Haters will love this blog. Because I’m going to absolutely tear them to shreds, one hateful limb at a time. And then when I’m done, and they are just a pile of dust, bones and coal at my feet, they will have so much new material to hate on that they won’t know what to do with themselves. I’m about to type the name that stirs things up like death eaters flocking to Voldemort: LeBron. James.
Earlier this week, LeBron was asked if he would ever consider returning to Cleveland before retiring. He said yes. Then, Jeremy Lin faded into the shadows, ESPN collectively pooped their pants and the world exploded. In that order. Forget the people hating on the rumor (which is just a whole new realm of hating I can’t even comprehend right now). Let’s talk about the fact that some analysts, fans and radio hosts were outraged at James even suggesting such an awful thing.
How dare he want to come back to the place he called home, to play for the fans he has always loved despite the new threads, for the franchise he essentially rescued from complete and utter destruction? What a selfish, no-good, ugly prick. Don’t you remember how he mercilessly ripped the Cav fans’ hearts out? And he did it in front of millions of people.
That’s like a girl breaking up with you in the middle of lunch in high school, standing on a table in the rally court and yelling through a megaphone about leaving you for the hotter, richer, more successful guy on the varsity team. Granted, it’s a shitty way to get dumped. But what Cleveland (said boy, or “you” in previous sentence), should have done is just cried, watched a few chick flicks, and gotten over it.
Instead they took the path that most do; talking endless crap about this slutty bitch who wasn’t even that good in bed anyway. It looked pathetic, it was pathetic, and it still is pathetic. But guess what? That entire city…no, the entire state got a half-chub just hearing LeBron answer yes to that question. If he were to sign with the Cavs after his time in Miami, the place would go bonkers. All is forgiven! All hail the return of the King!
LeBron was being honest when asked about returning to Cleveland. Yet he’s still wrong. What? It’s perfectly acceptable for him to carry a decrepit franchise for half a decade, bolt for bigger and brighter opportunities, have a successful career and then return to his roots to re-connect with the community that raised him. It’s kinda the circle of life in America.
I’ve grown up in a mid-sized town in Northern California my whole life. Then I went off to college in Washington. Now, I’m on my way to being the biggest, baddest blogger in the world. Nobody in Walnut Creek, CA is burning pictures of me or sending me death threats. And I will be the first to publicly admit that I’d love to come back to Northern California some day. After I’ve achieved all my goals and had some mad success in a big city somewhere.
Get off LeBron’s back. He’s always loved Cleveland, he always will, and some day he might even come home. You can either be the ex-boyfriend-turned-best-friend, or you can bitch and moan in his shadow forever, stealing glances at him like Gollum at Frodo.
By the way, The Decision? Raised over a million dollars for charity. Sorry haters, you just weren’t good enough for LeBron. He moved on. And when he allows you back into his graceful company, it will be your choice whether or not to forgive your sad, selfish qualms.
Long live the King. Make love, not war. And always wear a seat belt. Later haters.
Jeremy
Jam Shots 