Posts Tagged ‘Oakland A’s’

Chowin’ Down: Bacon Tuesday

April 11, 2012

Note: I cheated. I won’t deny it. I originally wrote this for Three Up, Three Down’s blog (3u3d.mlblogs.com) with the intention of sharing it on here. I’m lazy. I’ve also been watching baseball all day, so get off my back, yo!

My first official MLB game of 2012 came with quite a few surprises. Despite the rain-delayed first pitch and the game being called due to that very same storm 7 and a half innings later, it was a fun time. The A’s lost 3-0, but the action on the field was nothing compared to the gloriousness that took place in the right field bleachers.

Here’s the back story for all you unfortunate fools who have yet to experience a Bacon Tuesday at o.Co Coliseum in Oakland:

As I understand it, the right field bleacher crew, (some of the most die hard fans in baseball, I assure you of that) started a tradition last year of bringing bacon treats to Tuesday home games. When the Royals strolled into town, their right fielder was intrigued by the tradition.

Because A’s fans are the coolest kids around, they developed a unique bond with Mr. Francoeur (aforementioned right fielder), and donated some bacon to his mouth. He responded by tossing them a baseball with a $100 bill wrapped around it.

Needless to say, the right field bleacher crew at A’s games is now in love with Francoeur, and it seems as if the compassion is shared equally. I was at the game on Tuesday, and every time Francoeur came out to the field, the fans chanted his name and he turned around and smiled or waved.

He seemed to be having a legitimately great time with those fans, a rare spectacle for a visiting player. By the way, Frenchie (as he’s affectionately known) scored major points with me. I thought he was just a “blah” player with below average stats, but he’s clearly the greatest player in the game today. I mean…he loves bacon!

Anyway, when they came back to the Coliseum this week, the right field bleacher crew had shirts ready, reading “2nd Annual bacon Tuesday,” and below that, “Sponsored by Jeff Francoeur.” Yes, he got a shirt. Duhh.

My friend Taylor and I went up to the bleachers around the fourth inning to meet the guys and gals up there and laugh about the tradition and talk a little baseball. Little did I know that adventure would lead me to the most delicious oral extravaganza of my life. Whoa. Re-word that. Uhh…

I chowed down on chocolate-covered bacon. Incredible, of course. Chocolate. And bacon. A match made in heaven. Then I was handed a bacon-wrapped jalapeno stuffed with peanut butter. It was a little strange, naturally. But entirely enjoyable.

The most memorable treat came in the form of a pretzel stick. Ready? Wrapped in…candied bacon. No, there’s more…DIPPED IN NUTELLA. My mouth just started watering like Niagara Falls remembering that finger-lickin’ morsel.

A’s fans, and baseball fans everywhere – let’s be real. The A’s could use a little revenue. So go to o.Co, especially on Tuesdays. You might get to share in the epicness of the bacon treats. Which may very well be the greatest things ever created. Hashtag: NOM.

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First LIVE baseball game!

April 3, 2012

It’s officially back for me, folks. Last night, I went to AT&T Park to watch the Oakland A’s play the San Francisco Giants in an exhibition game. A final tune-up for the regular season. Except for the A’s, who already played two real games in Japan. Rage. Don’t ask me about that.

Anyway, the Giants pulled out a 4-2 victory behind timely hitting from Brandon Belt and Melky Cabrera. Brian Wilson got an enormous ovation when he trotted in from the bullpen for the save attempt. I hate him with all my might, so needless to say, I stayed in my seat looking at my phone.

But the biggest ovation of the night came for San Francisco’s pride and joy, Buster Posey. He’s back from a horrific leg injury suffered at the beginning of the 2011 season, and while I love his game, I hate his team. So I wasn’t too happy about that.

But enough about my gripes (PSYCHE! Those are just getting started…). Here are some other observations from game one of my soon-to-be epic season of fandom:

– Cliff Pennington is going to have a better season than a lot of people realize. By no means does that make the A’s a contender, but he’s a sleeper. Take him late in your fantasy drafts.

– Giants fans continue to amaze me. And not in a good way. There was a group of sober, jersey-wearing Giants fans within ear shot who didn’t even know who most of their team’s players were. This isn’t a statement on their fan base in general, as I have many good friends who are solid, die-hard Giants fans.

– Eric Sogard turned on a Madison Bumgarner (who looked slightly shaky for once) pitch and pulled it down the line for a two-run homer to start the scoring. Boom!

– Josh Donaldson plays a mean third base. Two very nice running, over the shoulder catches in foul territory. His throwing error was Jemile Weeks’ fault at first base. You don’t stretch with your throwing hand, bro.

– I hate to admit it, but damn it if AT&T  Park isn’t pretty. The view of the Bay is so freakin’ awesome.

– That is, until the seagulls started a coordinated flight pattern over the stadium with intent to poop. No joke, the game was forgotten for at least three innings while people dodged flying gull feces. Props to the…rather large woman three rows ahead of me for laying out like Coco Crisp for a fly ball in order to get away from a white and brown bomb flying at her head. Underrated mobility from that lady.

– My goodness, Aubrey Huff is slow. He failed to cut off a ball that was headed for the corner even though it passed him on its way to the wall about eight feet from where he was originally positioned.

– The aforementioned trailer truck (Huff) didn’t help his case, getting gunned at home on a play at the plate early in the game. But a very nice throw from Josh Reddick in right field!

– Santiago Casilla made a relief appearance for the Giants. And I had his jersey on! From when he played on the A’s. Hashtag, awkward. Good thing I had a jacket on to cover the name so I didn’t look like a complete dweeb. Hey, we all make mistakes.

– My buddy, who later fell asleep in his seat (wtf?!) caught a Yoenis Cespedes homer in batting practice. Does this make him the first person to ever catch a BP home run by Cespedes in an American Major League park?! Hang on to that sucker, dude. Might be worth a few bucks in like 30 years.

– Lastly, the Giants did throw up a pretty sweet montage of the city, complete with the Golden Gate Bridge, Coit Tower, and other recognizable monuments. I giggled to myself in my seat, wondering what an A’s version of that would be. Five minutes of a camera circling Jack London Square?

That’s all I have. It was a great time, despite the flying crap and the final score. Can’t wait until next week when I get to see the A’s for the first time in a game that COUNTS in 2012! Until tomorrow, bring an umbrella to San Francisco. ‘Cause that shit cray. Literally.

Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop

March 29, 2012

Well this is embarrassing. I set a personal goal this morning during the A’s vs. Mariners game from Tokyo, to out-tweet all nine MLB Fan Cave finalists’ combined total. By myself.

And I think 146 tweets in two and a half hours later, I viciously exceeded my goal.

Can you blame me? Bartolo Colon, of all people, looked like a Cy Young candidate. Yoenis Cespedes hit his first career Major League home run. Crazy stuff was goin’ DOWN in Japan this morning!

Baseball is the only thing that I feel good about staying up that late for. I’m two energy drinks deep and have two more in the fridge, for emergency purposes only. Luckily for me, there will be no more games broadcast at 2 a.m. anymore. And apparently, that’s lucky for you too, if you follow me on Twitter.

I mean, if I were you, it could be worth a look. Might be entertaining. Don’t you want to read all the nonsense I tweet at ungodly hours throughout the night when jacked up on quercetin and other unpronouncably fancy energy supplements?

Honestly, most of those tweets probably fell on deaf ears (eyes…?). Who in their right mind would be so enthralled by someone who tweets “Jonny Gomes sucks #boo” every time he takes a called strike that they actually hit the glorious little Follow button?

I can’t give you a good reason to follow me @Jamblinman. Here’s my best shot: I love baseball with a fiery passion. I love it enough to stay up until 4:30 a.m. when I have to wake up at 6:30 a.m. to drive an hour to work. I love it enough to quit jobs just so I don’t sacrifice baseball time (done it before, will do it again). I love it enough to dedicate a solid portion of my free time every day to thinking, talking and writing about it.

And now that we’ve recorded two official MLB games in 2012, shit’s gonna get even crazier. You realize there are well over 2,000 more games this season right? And I plan on following every single one of them. If I can’t be IN the Fan Cave, I’m damn well gonna pretend I am!

So if you are a lazy baseball fan, follow me on Twitter (again, @Jamblinman) and you don’t even have to look at a box score all season! If you are a crazy baseball fan, follow me on Twitter to argue vehemently with me, or just to have a good ol’ baseball discussion! In 140 characters or less, please.

This is what I do. Can’t stop, won’t stop. Follow me. You won’t regret it. Also, while we’re at it…follow @3u3d to get updates from the cool group of fans who bring you the weekly Three Up, Three Down podcast and blog.

Who knows? You might even get a re-tweet or response from the crew of @_SeasonTicket_ as I traverse the United States this summer in my girlfriend’s car, in dire search of America’s best baseball experience. Yes, you have to follow that one too.

Here’s your task for the day: Log in to Twitter. Search @Jamblinman. Hit “Follow.” Search @3u3d. Hit “Follow.” Search @_SeasonTicket_. Hit “Follow.” Boom. Roasted.

#UntilTomorrow #TweetMe

BASEBALL IS BACK!!!

March 28, 2012

I’ve never been so excited to wake up at 5:30 a.m. for anything in my life. Opening Day is upon us and it’s like Christmas, New Year’s, Fourth of July and Cesar Chavez Day (very underrated) all wrapped into one! The A’s and Mariners squared off in Tokyo this morning and if you haven’t already seen or heard…spoiler alert: Mariners 3, A’s 1 in 11 innings.

I root for the A’s, so the result was too bad. But I’m just happy to have baseball back. It just feels right to watch Brandon McCarthy’s dirty curveballs and Felix Hernandez freezing batters on pinpoint pitches. Or Jemile Weeks lacing singles up the middle, Ichiro beating out infield hits. This is what I live for.

Some observations from the first four innings (I had to go to work after that and have the final seven innings recorded!):

First pitch of 2012 – Strike! Brandon McCarthy to Chone Figgins.

First hit of 2012 – Naturally, Ichiro gets an infield single up the middle. He ended up 4-5 with an RBI for the game.

First K of 2012 – McCarthy gets Justin Smoak check-swinging at a curveball in the dirt.

First A’s hit of 2012 – Jemile Weeks leads off the bottom of the 1st with a good at-bat that results in a solid single up the middle. Big things comin’ for him this season!

First bad managerial non-call of 2012 – Weeks on 1st after the single, why not steal or bunt? Oh that’s right. The A’s don’t bunt. -_-

First stolen base of 2012 – As if A’s manager Bob Melvin could read my mind, Weeks takes off with one out and swipes 2nd base.

First bad stadium song of 2012 After the steal, Lenny Kravitz started blaring over the loudspeakers. Ew.

First strange observation of 2012 – My goodness, do the A’s have any right-handed hitters? Kurt Suzuki and Yoenis Cespedes hit from that side, but it looked like everyone else in the lineup was a lefty…

First Cespedes sighting of 2012 – Oh boy…not quite as awesome as his first Spring Training at-bat. Cespedes K’s on an ugly swing.

First derppppp move of 2012 – Michael Saunders makes an inexplicable mistake after singling and stealing 2nd base. Little Leaguers could have told Saunders not to try to go to third when the ball was in front of him. He’s tossed at third easily by Cliff Pennington. #BaseballBasics

First runner caught stealing of 2012 – Brendan Ryan makes the foolish decision to challenge Kurt Suzuki’s arm and is gunned down at second base. The M’s are not running the bases very well!

SECOND random observation of 2012 – Jemile Weeks lines out to center, but hit that ball very solidly. He’s swingin’ the bat WELL early on…only good news for A’s fans!

THIRD random observation of 2012 – Mike Cameron is throwing out the first pitch on April 13 at the Mariners’ home opener! Hot damn I hope my road trip brings me through Seattle that day.

First home run of 2012 – Boom goes the Dustin Ackley! An absolute BOMB to straight away center, and now we have our first big bap and first run AND first extra-base hit of the season in the top of the 4th! 1-0 Mariners. And Ackley is just getting warmed up.

First hit and run – In the top of the 4th inning, Ichiro takes off for second base and Mike Carp pulls a grounder to the right side. Or was it Justin Smoak? Hell if I know, they look exactly the same.

First impressively athletic play – New A’s outfielder Josh Reddick makes a very nice running catch and nearly gets his quick throw back in time to double off Ichiro at second.

First double of 2012 – After 3 and a half innings of official baseball, Pennington gives us a double to left-center in the bottom of the 4th. He later comes around to score on a double by Kurt Suzuki. I leave for work with the game tied 1-1.

Here’s to baseball being back and more to come! And don’t fret – I’ve written plenty on my Dodgers agreeing to a new ownership deal with Magic Johnson’s bidding group. You can find a write-up HERE and HERE. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @Jambliman!

Also…breaking news – GO NINERS! They signed Super Bowl-winning, monster running back Brandon Jacobs to a deal, shoring up some necessary depth at that position. Super Bowl or bust!

All Apologies

March 11, 2012

I’m ashamed. The ruling is in…GUILTY! For the first time since starting Jam Shots, I’ve failed to post. Yesterday will be forever empty on the calendar. “Daily relapse of a raging sportsaholic,” huh? Apparently not.

I blame the daylight savings time change. I blame the steroids. I blame the Germans. Hopefully you will all forgive me. I know I’ve let you down immensely. But we can shake hands, move on, and I’ll rock your world from now on. I solemnly swear to never miss a day again.

Okay, the truth is…I was having a good ol’ college Saturday: Drinking with the roommate and the parents (on their tab – oh, the joys of still living at home!). Can’t blame me for that, can you?

Back to my old habit – sports talk.

First, let’s talk podcasts. Later today I am recording episode two of Three Up, Three Down. If you missed it last Monday, you missed six incredibly knowledgeable, smooth-talking baseball fans spewing news and analysis at you. You don’t want to miss it this time. We’ll be talking divisional news, Yu Darvish, and maybe even some predictions for you. Look for it tomorrow at this somewhat famous website (yeah, we’re that good), and while you’re waiting, give us a follow at @3u3d on Twitter.

Also, I’ve been invited to co-host FanvsFan.com’s weekly live national podcast, MLB Inside the Numbers. Friday was my first go at it, and I’m actually listening to it right now. I gotta say…it went well. It was a lot of fun, having guests on air and debating with a couple of guys who really know their baseball. Feel free to check it out HERE and tune in at 6pm Pacific Standard Time next Friday for the next episode.

Although I won’t be there next week. Bad timing. I got a cool Fan Caver to show the Bay Area to. Listen either way.

Speaking of baseball, did anyone see what I saw in Spring Training yesterday? Yeonis Cespedes hitting the ball to Cuba from Arizona? Check this out – he turned on a high and outside pitch and hit it at least 700 feet to left field. No doubt. Okay not really. But if you’re an A’s fan, you’ve gotta love the start. Two for two, a home run and two RBI? Looks like an MVP to me.

One last thing – a little breaking news. According to BleacherReport.com’s push notification on my phone JUST NOW, the San Francisco 49ers are working out Randy Moss. Before Niner fans freak out, think about it. We are in the same situation as the Patriots were. If we don’t like his attitude or work ethic, cut him. But if he’s ready to be part of this team, he will immediately become the best receiver on the field. Helloooooo Super Bowl!

Well, I have to get ready for the aforementioned Three Up, Three Down podcast. Please tune in! You won’t regret it.

Remember to follow the blog, listen to the podcast, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook!

Until tomorrow…

Bochy-ing That One…

March 9, 2012

Jamblinman’s the name, being punny’s my game! As much as I just want to sit here and absolutely tear the San Francisco Giants’ manager a new one…I can’t. I respect Bruce Bochy. And I’m tired of being so angry all the time.

Okay, that second part isn’t true. But still, I’ll quash the little devil in a Dodgers jersey whispering in my ear and try to be fair and sensible in today’s blog. That being said, what Bochy did at Spring Training this week was absolutely ludicrous and wrong.

Oh, you haven’t heard yet? Here, let me help you out. Don’t scoff at this – it IS news (for once…way to go, Yahoo!). Pete Rose is banned from baseball for violating what amounts to an unwritten rule; a silent code if you will. A-Rod almost got his face ripped off by Dallas Braden for breaking an unwritten rule. And now Bochy has joined a club he doesn’t belong in.

Luckily, the Giants quickly rectified the situation and did solid damage control. But it worries me that Bochy even went there in the first place. I could understand someone like Ozzie Guillen pulling shit like removing another team’s scout from the stands during practice, but not Bochy.

Why is this a big deal, you ask? First of all, because you just don’t do it. This isn’t Rajon Rondo listening in on another team’s huddle. This isn’t a Patriots employee video taping the Jets’ walk-through. This is not immoral or illegal in any way. It’s a scout, well…scouting.

Unless Bochy and the Giants were working on a super secret new hit-and-run play that is going to revolutionize the game as we know it, there is no violation here. And no, they weren’t doing that. Mostly because the Giants couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn so they won’t worry about hit-and-runs. ZING had to do it.

As the Yahoo! article states, anything that has to be secret in baseball is done in the clubhouse. Nobody stands on an open diamond and yells, “HEY GUYS! LISTEN UP! THIS YEAR, WHEN I TOUCH MY BELT, THEN MY NOSE, THEN MY BELT AGAIN, IT’S A DELAYED STEAL! DON’T TELL ANYONE!”

Plus, did Bochy not realize that his shenanigans might get his own team’s scouts some rough treatment when they try to scout other teams? Oops.

The disgraced scout told Yahoo! that he was there to scout the Giants’ outfield arms. Chances are, that’s exactly what he was doing. And even if he wasn’t, so what? Baseball is the most simply complicated game in the history of the world. There are strategic intricacies to every pitch and every play and that’s why I love it.

But, everyone knows the same strategies and how to execute them – it just comes down to who does it better.

Between the A’s-to-San-Jose fiasco and now Bochy being a bum, the Giants are really starting to rub me the wrong way. And if I’m getting that feeling one week into Spring Training, you can imagine how fiercely I’ll take this rivalry in 2012.

Let’s just all make sure that if we watch the Giants warming up this season, to warn Bochy ahead of time that you come in peace.

Bay Area Battle

March 8, 2012

Let me get this out of the way: I hate the San Francisco Giants. More than war and famine (if you haven’t seen this movie, you’re gonna think I’m a horrible person…). More than Hitler. Okay, that’s messed up. But I really hate them. And their seemingly endless scuffle with the Oakland A’s over property rights in San Jose isn’t making things any better.

The poor A’s just want to get out of arguably the worst professional sports venue in America. If you’ve never been to o.Co Coliseum (they’ve changed the name a million times in my lifetime, but this is the longest-standing one I can remember), consider yourself lucky.

My high school field had more charm to it than o.Co. Well, my high school team might also have been better than the A’s will be in 2012, but that’s besides the point. Back in the 80’s, the Giants were in the A’s situation and Oakland very graciously gave them the rights to San Jose. As a kind gesture.

Now the Giants organization is holding those same rights hostage against the A’s. Who cares if it’s the best thing for baseball? The Giants must have that extra television market, apparently.

The only way in which the A’s are competition to the Giants is in interleague series and the television market. The fact that they won’t give the A’s the rights to San Jose and are dragging the entire ordeal out for so long just further proves the point that baseball revolves around money in an evil way.

Right now, as much as I hate to say this, the Giants ARE the Bay Area’s baseball team. But if the A’s are good too, it’s still good for business. Even better, it’s good for baseball. The A’s are an iconic franchise with a fantastic GM, but they can’t afford to even put together a contending team for more than a couple of fluke seasons at a time.

I just hope the Giants and Bud Selig come to their senses soon and get this thing taken care of. The longer they wait, the angrier I get, the more likely I am to march into San Francisco and do THIS. Yup.

 

A Spring Training Tragedy

February 25, 2012

No, I don’t mean that I’m not going to Spring Training next week. Would y’all get off of that? I’m over it. *Takes another sip of beer*Just kidding it’s barely past noon*So takes another sip of mimosa*.

What I’m really talking about is the only time I have been to Arizona to hit up some preseason baseball. I went with my Dad when I was in 8th grade. It was one of the best, most generous gifts I’ve ever received. And one of the most memorable experiences of my life.

So why a tragedy? Shakespeare wrote tragedies (or did he…) and he’s famous for them, so quit your bitchin’ and just read on!

There was the infamous fly-fried-in-our-Safeway-chicken incident. The missed opportunity to get inside the A’s clubhouse because of Adam Melhuse wracking his ankle on second base. And my inevitable sunburn. But those are nothing compared to what happened when I went to see the A’s play the Cubs in a split squad game.

I’ve sat mere feet away from the bullpen in a big league game. I got a ball handed to me by Robb Nen. I sat two tables away from Mark McGwire at California Pizza Kitchen. But those experiences are hogwash. Because at this A’s/Cubs game in Arizona, I sat about ten rows up from the field with my Dad, waiting for the game to start.

I’d already exhausted myself running around getting autographs from all the A’s players I could and was acquiring the aforementioned burn while the teams took their final warm ups. I was ignoring a large crowd of Cubs fans at the fence below me, trying to get some old coach to sign their stuff. Pft…silly kidsWasting your time.

Then I glanced again. And it hit me. I squinted, and made out the clear face of Ryne Sandberg as he lifted his head to answer an autograph-seeker with a laugh. I can tell you, I’ve never moved that fast in my life.

There was no doubt about it – that was the future Hall of Fame second baseman. I had completely forgotten he was coaching with the Cubs and would therefore be at this game. I found a blank ball, dove across my Dad to grab my pen and  I’m pretty sure just time-warped down the bleachers to get to the fence. I was completely okay with bowling over 5-year-olds in order to get this signature.

But like a heart-wrenching Hollywood script, I watched from my epic mid-air jump, in slow motion, as Sandberg finished signing a ball, waved a thank you to the crowd and turned to retreat to the dugout. The last thread of his jersey disappeared into the dugout as I landed at the fence.

Have you ever been so disappointed, shocked and ashamed of yourself that you just wanted to sit in a cold shower and cry? That’s how eighth-grade Jeremy felt watching one of the best second baseman of all time stride away, just out of reach.

To this day, missing Sandberg haunts me. It was a fabulous Spring Training trip. One of the best experiences a baseball fan could ever ask for. But I’ve vowed from this day forth to get that damn autograph. And I imagine when it happens, I’ll be able to shake Ryno’s hand and we can laugh about my previous swing-and-a-miss.

And probably get a beer together. And then he’ll ask me to play for his team. And I’ll help the Cubs to their first World Series title in a million years. And Sandberg (who I will probably be playfully referring to as “Sandy” by then because we’ll be so tight) will introduce me at my Hall of Fame ceremony.

And…what? Hey, anything is possible at Spring Training. Just don’t be a doof like me. Be prepared. And don’t buy fried chicken from the Glendale Safeway.

That’s some real talk. Welcome back, baseball. I missed you!

Manny Mania!

February 21, 2012

Billy Beane is running a circus in Oakland, and I love it. The A’s are going to challenge for the worst record in the Majors this year, so why not have a little fun? After stealing Cuban sensation Yeonis Cespedes about a week ago, Beane moved in and signed potential Hall-of-Famer Manny Ramirez to a 1-year, $500,000 contract. I know what you’re doing right now. You’re moaning and groaning and crying CHEATER!

Well folks, get over it. Because it’s going to be the only thing worth watching at o.Co Coliseum in 2012. Let me preface this blog by admitting that I have a problem. I’m a Manny fan. I think he is absolutely hilarious and a complete dick. But not in the cocky way of A-Rod. More like the “this game is really fun and enjoy hitting a baseball very far for a living” way. How can you hate a guy that has such a damn good time on the field?

And if that isn’t enough for you, at least watch him hit and tell me he doesn’t have the sweetest right-handed swing in the game. No type of fertility drug can create a swing that perfect. Regardless of how many hormones he has swimming around in that body of his, Manny is one of the best hitters to ever play the game. Same as Barry Bonds, he tarnished his legacy with the failed test, but it doesn’t mean he wasn’t a spectacular player to begin with.

Back to Oakland – Manny will miss the first 50 games of the season due to his suspension. Which is perfect. Because that gives all our young prospects who have either been blocked for years or just sucked the big one when they got their shot, 50 games to prove themselves. If any of them hit like crazy, they will stay in the lineup and Bob Melvin will find a way to get Manny in there. If they don’t hit, they blew their chance and we’ve got a Hall-of-Famer hitting cleanup.

And if Manny hits 10 home runs in 110 games this year, it’s well worth the 500K. If he hits 10 home runs by the trade deadline, I guarantee Beane will squeeze a top prospect out of a desperate AL team in need of a DH for the playoffs. It’s a win-win situation. No harm, no foul, unless you are seriously offended by men injecting female junk into themselves. Or if you hate dreadlocks.

I promise, A’s fans. It’s going to be fun. And you’ll love watching Manny being Manny. It may be the only bearable part of a long, sad season.

Who knows…maybe he’ll give you a high five after a play!

Lookin’ Like a Bunch of Bums Out Here!

January 23, 2012

This isn’t how I expected to start Jam Shots off. I regret to inform you that the only news I have today is sad news. First of all, let me explain something. This is not ESPN or Sports Illustrated. I will not claim to be an objective journalist with no ties to any teams, while really just trying and terribly failing at masking my love for all New York teams and Tom Brady’s junk.

I am a 49er fan. I love the Dodgers and A’s. And my alma mater, the Washington State Cougars. Therefore, I hate the San Francisco Giants. And the Washington Huskies. It comes with the territory of being a die hard fan. That being said, I guarantee you my blog will be less idiotic and infuriating than anything Skip Bayless has ever said. And since we’re on the subject, I hate that guy too.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, we can get back to the bummer of the century. The NFC Championship game last night. The 49ers lost a sloppy game to the New York FOOTBALL (you know, in case you forgot that the New York BASEBALL Giants moved out over 50 years ago…) Giants in overtime. It was such an ugly game that it was kind of like watching your grandparents knocking boots on the kitchen table, but those blue and white bastards got the best of my Niners. An average person might think it’s just raining in the Bay Area today. False. It is the collective cascading of thousands and thousands of people’s tears. The city is flooding.

Normally, I’d go out on a tangent, blindly blaming players and coaches and Indian gods, but today I’m going to take the high road. Well, after I make you sympathize with me.

Let me tell you, I’ve now experienced a broken heart. Sorry ’bout it ex-girlfriends, deceased former pets (R.I.P. Josh, Maggie and P.J.), and the latest Indiana Jones movie. Nothing will compare to how badly that loss hurt last night. This might seem weird, but instead of putting in Win A Date With Tad Hamilton! and downing a tub of ice cream like usual, I microwaved 16 turkey meatballs and stuffed my face with them. I…I don’t know. I was hungry. Uhh, anyways…

I learned all about “DABDA” in high school psychology. And yesterday I flew through Denial (I mean, the scoreboard rarely lies), was too sad for Anger, too tired to Bargain and spent the rest of the night in Depression. Or a meaty, steamy, ball-induced coma. Either way, it was a low point. I didn’t even have the energy to send a death threat to Kyle Williams like half of the Twitter world was doing (Shameless self-promotion time! Yay! Follow me on Twitter @jamblinman).

And that ends the feel-bad-for-the-author segment of our program. Because after a good night’s sleep and a couple dead-fish anger jumps on to the couch this morning, I’ve finally reached the last “A” – Acceptance. The 49ers lost. And I’m okay with it. Forget that this Super Bowl game will undoubtedly out-lame the National Championship rematch. The truth is, none of us fans expected to be here. Going from 6-10 one season to 14-4 the next and being one kick, slip or tackle away from the Super Bowl is nothing short of a miracle.

So props to Jim Harbaugh and his staff. Props to Alex Smith and his resurgence. And props to the most incredible defense the NFL has seen in a decade. And cheers to the fact that they will be back next year. With a full offseason. Completely healthy. And most likely with a couple new wide receivers. Tom Coughlin, I hope you’re reading this; you might need to change your diaper now.

And one last thing – Kyle Williams basically cost us ten points. You’re right. Get off his back. Where were the 3rd-down conversions? Where were the defensive takeaways? Where was the ballsy play calling? Where was the coverage on the 3rd-and-15-turned-into-17-yard-touchdown? Williams is a good receiver, a ridiculous athlete, and he’ll be back catching passes in the slot for us next season. He’s the goat today, but he deserves his fans’ support, not their threats.

Whew. Okay. On to the next bit of news! Oh. Great. It’s still sad. JoePa, a college football icon, passed away early Sunday after his health started failing the day before. All I have to say about him is this: It’s unfortunate that his unbelievable legacy will be tarnished by the recent Jerry Sandusky scandal. It’s understandable, but unfortunate. Hopefully he will be remembered for helping to pioneer the sport of football rather than being a silent accomplice to the biggest creep in the history of the world. They are Penn State. R.I.P. Joe Paterno.

Lastly, today, I have a little bit of basketball news for you. I want to ask – how tall were you in high school? Even after a growth spurt, most people here didn’t break six feet. I, for one, still have my original driver’s license from when I turned 16. It lists me as 5’10” and 170 pounds. Here I sit, seven years later, at 5’10”, 170 pounds. I know. Embarrassing. Besides, I look like I was just booked into a mental institute. Three hours in line at the DMV will do that to a kid.

Anyways, back to the news. Imagine being not six feet tall in high school. Not seven feet tall. But seven and a half feet tall, dominating fools on the basketball court. That’s the life of Senegalese teenager Mamadou Ndiaye (good luck), who plays high school hoops in Southern California. Watch the tape. The dude literally takes four strides from one basket to the other, and towers over the opposing center (who looks to be no taller than Danny DeVito to begin with). If he went to the NBA today, he’d be the tallest player on any roster. That’s just ridiculous. All I’m going to say is if this kid doesn’t average 40 and 40 every game, something’s wrong.

Thanks for reading the first installment of Jam Shots. Hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day and you don’t have to deal with my whiny, butt cramps about my team losing. Until then, enjoy the Monday Nic Cage Clip of the Week (because just like his acting, Mondays suck ass). Peace.


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