Posts Tagged ‘New England Patriots’

Post-NFL Draft Predictions

April 30, 2012

The results are in, folks. The NFL Draft is OVER. I’m part thankful because I don’t have to listen to Mel Kiper blab about his “profession” anymore, but I’m also bummed. While I love baseball, this means no football until August at the earliest.

Oh, well. At least the Dodgers are still dominating. Here are my predicted standings for the 2012 NFL season with the newest additions to the teams:

AFC East:

1. New England Patriots

All the Patriots did over the weekend was address needs on defense. They finally traded up and now have a potentially good defense to complement the still-explosive offense. The Patriots are a no-doubt pick to win this division.

2. Buffalo Bills

Last year’s trendy pick to win the division got better, but still aren’t there yet. They might have a chance to challenge for the Wild Card after selecting CB Stephon Gilmore with their first pick and might have scored a sleeper in LB Tank Carder.

3. New York Jets

And, queue the angry Jets fans whining about my selection. To them, I say stop wasting time with Sanchez Dee and Tebow Dum and draft a real quarterback, because the rest of the team isn’t half bad. But getting a couple above average guys in this draft isn’t going to help much.

4. Miami Dolphins

I like some of the picks the Dolphins made, but Ryan Tannehill was both unnecessary and stupid. Matt Moore is a better QB right now than Tannehill ever will be in my opinion. This team is still in need of tons of help.

AFC North:

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

Steel City is back on top this season after fixing the one big problem they had. Ben Roethlisberger’s sore ass from being sacked millions of times. They got two great offensive line prospects early in the draft and will be much improved all around.

2. Baltimore Ravens

I’m actually very underwhelmed with what the Ravens did in this year’s draft. Fortunately, they didn’t have a ton of issues that needed fixing. They should cruise to a Wild Card spot in 2012.

3. Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals got a LOT better through this draft. Considering they barely missed the playoffs last year, this could spell doom for any other Wild Card hopefuls next season. Could both Wild Card teams come from this division next seasons? I say yes.

4. Cleveland Browns

I love the first pick. Trent Richardson will be a ferocious beast for Cleveland. Then they went and ruined it by drafting a 28-year-old below-average quarterback in the FIRST ROUND. Kill me now.

AFC South:

1. Houston Texans

The Texans should run away with this division. They are competing with three teams who have Jake Locker, Andrew Luck and Blaine Gabbert at QB. Expect a full, healthy season from Matt Schaub and an easy division title.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jags will be a little better, but not much. I do like that they went out and got Justin Blackmon in the first round, but the problem is less about Gabbert’s weapons than Gabbert himself.

3. Tennessee Titans

Jake Locker is not an NFL-caliber QB, and Matt Hasselbeck makes way too many mistakes to keep this team competitive. If they get a good year out of Chris Johnson, they MIGHT crack .500, but I doubt it.

4. Indianapolis Colts

Not only did Indy grab Luck with the first overall selection, but they used their next two picks on solid tight ends. Hello, Stanford! The Colts also nabbed an underrated running back in Vick Ballard late. They aren’t ready yet, but heading in the right direction.

AFC West:

1. San Diego Chargers

I know they are the kings of screwing the pooch, but the Chargers have the most talented team already on the field, and had the best draft in the division (although that’s really not saying much). I expect them to NOT blow it in 2012.

2. Denver Broncos

You can’t count out a team with a healthy Peyton Manning. But they aren’t a playoff team again until I’m assured Manning can actually take a hit. The defense is still overrated, but the offense should put up more points than people think.

3. Kansas City Chiefs

Another underwhelming draft in this division, as the only REAL impact player they got was Dontari Poe with their first pick. And even that was risky. We’ll see how Matt Cassel, Jamaal Charles and Eric Berry bounce back. K.C. could surprise. Again.

4. Oakland Raiders

My god, what a mess. The draft was basically pointless for them, and they’ve been cutting salary and players for weeks. The Raiders, with their play makers on offense, could pull a few upset victories, but this is a 5-win team at best in 2012.

NFC East:

1. Philadelphia Eagles

I know, I know. They will figure it out this year, though. The Eagles added a lot of underrated pieces in this draft, and finally made some smart moves instead of just going for broke on star power. Look for a dominant triumph in this division next season.

2. New York Giants

The defending champs will probably still make the playoffs, because…well, don’t they always? But time will tell. They have a habit of putting their fans through cardiac arrest, and I don’t think they improved at all from a team that lost Mario Manningham and Brandon Jacobs.

3. Dallas Cowboys

And despite a pretty solid draft, the Cowboys still suck. Bummer. I especially like their first round selection of Morris Claiborne, but he’ll take some adjusting to the NFL game. I fully expect this team to contend…in 2013.

4. Washington Redskins

Robert Griffin III is going to be exceptionally fun to watch, and he’s already better-liked than Donovan McNabb was. Funny what a little humility gets you. The rest of the draft was a little puzzling, especially the selection of another QB, Kirk Cousins.

NFC North:

1. Green Bay Packers

Green Bay’s draft was a snoozer, but they did make a couple good picks getting Jerel Worthy and Nick Perry to shore up the defense. This team still has Aaron Rodgers, so I’ll be shocked if they don’t win the division.

2. Chicago Bears

Sorry Lions fans, but the Bears really improved. First of all, they will have their healthy QB back. Don’t forget that’s the only reason they missed the playoffs last season. Plus, they get to pair Alshon Jeffery with Brandon Marshall. Poor opposing DBs.

3. Detroit Lions

While Daaaaa Bears will snag a Wild Card spot, the Lions are going to be sitting at home wondering what the hell went wrong. I’ll tell you – Jim Schwartz can’t control an immature team, no matter who they draft. I’ll put the over/under at ten for Lions suspensions next season.

4. Minnesota Vikings

They are actually on the way up, just not quick enough. I liked their draft, though getting Harrison Smith late in the first round was quite a reach. You have to like Adrian Peterson and Christian Ponder, but the Vikes still come up very short.

NFC South:

1. Atlanta Falcons

I really don’t think the Falcons are a contender, but they will win this division by default. Carolina’s defense still isn’t ready, the Saints don’t have coaches, and the Bucs still need help. I like getting Peter Konz in the draft, but the rest of the picks were just questionable.

2. New Orleans Saints

Call me crazy, but the Saints will still squeak into the playoffs with the second Wild Card spot. They still have some dude named Drew Brees and an offense capable of putting up 50. Unfortunately, they barely helped themselves through the draft.

3. Carolina Panthers

This division is going to be VERY competitive. I like the Panthers trying to help their defense through the draft, but they didn’t do it aggressively enough. I think Luke Kuechly was a big reach that high for a position they didn’t necessarily need.

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

If Josh Freeman can turn his shit around from a horrendous 2011, the Bucs could surprise people. I think they had the best draft in the division, nabbing Mark Barron in the first round and guys like Doug Martin and LaVonte David later on.

NFC West:

1. San Francisco 49ers

Okay, obviously this is my team. But the 49ers won free agency in the offseason, put together the best draft in the division, and are the favorites by a mile to win this division. If any other team goes .500 I’d be surprised. The 49ers have a shot at another 13-3 season.

2. St. Louis Rams

I actually really like what the Rams did in this draft. They scored Michael Brockers in the first round, but made really nice picks at receiver with Brian Quick and Chris Givens. They aren’t ready yet, but could scare some people for the Wild Card in 2012.

3. Seattle Seahawks

Prove to me that Matt Flynn isn’t a fluke, and I might say this team is .500-worthy. But until then, they have no QB as far as I’m concerned. I think the Hawks had the worst draft in the NFL, although they may have stolen QB Russell Wilson on Day Two.

4. Arizona Cardinals

Okay, everyone. That’s enough. Stop singing the Cards’ praises just because they drafted Michael Floyd. Yes, they now have the best receiver in the game (Larry Fitzgerald) and a guy with huge potential in Floyd. Who’s going to throw them the ball? Kevin Kolb? Thanks for the laugh.

That’s all I have for now! Thanks for reading, tune in tomorrow, and don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @Jamblinman!

NFL Draft: Grading Round 1 – The Confusion Chronicles

April 26, 2012

So, the first round of the 2012 NFL draft has ended. Needless to say…WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? I’m pretty sure 29 of the 30 picks were defensive linemen, and what is Brandon Weeden doing going to Cleveland already? I’m just utterly confused and amazed at what just took place.

Rather than do the typical grading that all analysts do, I’m just going to grade based on how confused the pick made me. An “A” means not confused, an “F” means flabbergasted. Hah. Funny word, flabbergasted. Read on:

1. Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford

Well, duh. It’s been known since the day the Colts clinched the worst record that Andrew Luck would be Peyton Manning’s successor. Confusion Grade: A

2. Washington Redskins: Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor

Well, duh. It’s been known since the day the Redskins traded for this pick that Robert Griffin III would be the next QB in Washington. Confusion Grade: A

3. Cleveland Browns: Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama

The Browns need all the help they can get. Getting a game-changing runner like T-Rich is a no-brainer for an offense that lacked so much punch. Confusion Grade: A

4. Minnesota Vikings: Matt Kalil, OT, USC

Poor Christian Ponder needs a little protection, and I’m not talking about in the bedroom. The Vikings made the obvious choice, getting the best lineman on the board. Confusion Grade: A

5. Jacksonville Jaguars: Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State

I mean…okay. Blackmon has a ton of potential. That’s great. But, the Jags wanted him so bad that they traded up to get him? Jacksonville better hope this works out. Confusion Grade: C

6. Dallas Cowboys: Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU

Anyone who nabbed Claiborne in this draft was going to score high, Wonderlic test be damned. I just hate that it had to be the Cowboys who got him. Confusion Grade: A-

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mark Barron, SS, Alabama

The Bucs reportedly wanted Barron all along, and that’s why they moved back to get him. So good for them! I just don’t know why they are so enamored with Barron. Confusion Grade: C-

8. Miami Dolphins: Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M

It doesn’t matter what the Dolphins do, because Matt Moore will be better than this guy, and this guy won’t be Dan Marino. Sooo…wow. Confusion Grade: D

9. Carolina Panthers: Luke Kuechly, LB, Boston College

Obviously the Panthers need some defensive help, but the only reason this move makes sense is that they don’t believe their two solid inside LBs can stay healthy. Confusion Grade: F

10. Buffalo Bills: Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina

Sure, why not. The Bills are another team that needs tons of help, so why not go for the play making defensive back that every analyst loves? Confusion Grade: A-

11. Kansas City Chiefs: Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis

And so it begins. The run of defensive lineman is longer and messier than the runs down my pants after eating Taco Bell. Which is actually a better decision than drafting Poe here. Confusion Grade: F

12. Philadelphia Eagles: Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State

The Eagles traded up to the 12th slot just to get Cox? Seriously? Why not go with someone who is actually going to make a difference in the NFL? Confusion Grade: F

13. Arizona Cardinals: Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame

HAHAHA. I’m so happy this happened. Now the Cards have an elite wide receiver and one with the potential to be an elite wide receiver! Not sure how Kevin Kolb will throw to them from his back though…Confusion Grade: F

14. St. Louis Rams: Michael Brockers, DT, LSU

This dude is an absolute beast. Six foot five, 322 pounds of pure muscle and grit. Too bad none of the weight is devoted to his brain. Waste of a pick. Confusion Grade: F

15. Seattle Seahawks: Bruce Irvin, DE, West Virginia

Irvin is a really great story, but once again, Pete Carroll proves himself to be an absolute idiot. Enjoy 6-10, Seattle. It’s happening again. Good luck with Matt Flynn as your QB. Confusion Grade: F

16. New York Jets: Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina

I actually love this pick by the Jets. But I hate the Jets. Mostly because they have Mark Sanchez AND Tim Tebow. Which means forget the defense, draft a QB. Confusion Grade: F

17. Cincinnati Bengals: Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama

Fantastic pick. I still think they could use a little more firepower on offense, but Andy Dalton and A.J. Green should be one year better and smarter in 2012. Confusion Grade: B+

18. San Diego Chargers: Melvin Ingram, DE, South Carolina

I like this pick for the skill they are getting, but is the defensive line really their biggest problem? How much longer until Philip Rivers is replaced? Confusion Grade: B-

19. Chicago Bears: Shea McClellin, DE, Boise State

Now we’re just starting to get desperate. Is this seriously the first-round defensive lineman the Bears wanted? I highly, highly doubt it. Confusion Grade: F

20. Tennessee Titans: Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor

He went a little earlier than most people expected, I think. But Wright has a ton of speed and a lot of analysts are high on him. Unfortunately, the Titans have nobody good to throw him the ball. Confusion Grade: B

21. New England Patriots: Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse

The Patriots traded up for once and absolutely stole this guy from the rest of the league. The fact that so many other D-Linemen went before him is a straight travesty. Confusion Grade: A

22. Cleveland Browns: Brandon Weeden, QB, Oklahoma State

I thought this was a joke at first. He won’t play until he’s 30, if he plays at all. And Skip Bayless likes the pick, which should spell doom for Cleveland. Confusion Grade: F———–

23. Detroit Lions: Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa

The fact that Reiff was available this late is just stupid. How many teams wasted a pick before this that could have ended up with the second best tackle in the draft? Confusion Grade: A

24. Pittsburgh Steelers: David DeCastro, G, Stanford

Okay, yeah…what? Great, incredible, ridiculously good pick by the Steelers. Because DeCastro has the talent to be a top-10 pick. But he fell way too far. Confusion Grade: A-

25. New England Patriots: Dont’a Hightower, LB, Alabama

I love to hate the Patriots, but damn if they didn’t steal two future stars in the first round of this draft. After snagging Jones from Syracuse, they got the best inside linebacker on the board. Confusion Grade: A

26. Houston Texans: Whitney Mercilus, DE, Illinois

The Texans are one team that didn’t have a ton of changes to make. They already have a top-rated D, and with a healthy Matt Schaub, could be the best team in the AFC. Confusion Grade: A

27. Cincinnati Bengals: Kevin Zeitler, C, Wisconsin

Um. Who? ‘Nuff said. Confusion Grade: F

28. Green Bay Packers: Nick Perry, DE, USC

This monster of a lineman had been shooting up mock draft boards, but I’m still surprised he slipped this far. This could make the Packers’ D a lot better. Confusion Grade: A

29. Minnesota Vikings: Harrison Smith, FS, Notre Dame

Well that makes no sense. But at 6 foot 2, maybe Smith is a sleeper pick…still many different moves that should have been made for Minnesota before this one, though. Confusion Grade: D

30. San Francisco 49ers: A.J. Jenkins, WR, Illinois

This may just be the greatest first round pick in the history of any sport. With the speed of Steve Smith, the hands of Larry Fitzgerald and the heart of a lion, Jenkins is a sure-fire future Hall of Famer. Confusion Grade: A+

31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Doug Martin, RB, Boise State

Not bad, Tampa Bay. Not bad. Other than the Patriots, the Bucs might be the biggest winner of day one. They grabbed a change of pace back here to go with LeGarrette Blount. Confusion Grade: A

32. New York Giants: David Wilson, RB, Virginia Tech

I hate it. I hate that the G-Men made such a good move. Wilson is going to be an absolute steal. I don’t know if he’ll lessen the hurt of losing Brandon Jacobs, but it’ll be close. Confusion Grade: A

Bochy-ing That One…

March 9, 2012

Jamblinman’s the name, being punny’s my game! As much as I just want to sit here and absolutely tear the San Francisco Giants’ manager a new one…I can’t. I respect Bruce Bochy. And I’m tired of being so angry all the time.

Okay, that second part isn’t true. But still, I’ll quash the little devil in a Dodgers jersey whispering in my ear and try to be fair and sensible in today’s blog. That being said, what Bochy did at Spring Training this week was absolutely ludicrous and wrong.

Oh, you haven’t heard yet? Here, let me help you out. Don’t scoff at this – it IS news (for once…way to go, Yahoo!). Pete Rose is banned from baseball for violating what amounts to an unwritten rule; a silent code if you will. A-Rod almost got his face ripped off by Dallas Braden for breaking an unwritten rule. And now Bochy has joined a club he doesn’t belong in.

Luckily, the Giants quickly rectified the situation and did solid damage control. But it worries me that Bochy even went there in the first place. I could understand someone like Ozzie Guillen pulling shit like removing another team’s scout from the stands during practice, but not Bochy.

Why is this a big deal, you ask? First of all, because you just don’t do it. This isn’t Rajon Rondo listening in on another team’s huddle. This isn’t a Patriots employee video taping the Jets’ walk-through. This is not immoral or illegal in any way. It’s a scout, well…scouting.

Unless Bochy and the Giants were working on a super secret new hit-and-run play that is going to revolutionize the game as we know it, there is no violation here. And no, they weren’t doing that. Mostly because the Giants couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn so they won’t worry about hit-and-runs. ZING had to do it.

As the Yahoo! article states, anything that has to be secret in baseball is done in the clubhouse. Nobody stands on an open diamond and yells, “HEY GUYS! LISTEN UP! THIS YEAR, WHEN I TOUCH MY BELT, THEN MY NOSE, THEN MY BELT AGAIN, IT’S A DELAYED STEAL! DON’T TELL ANYONE!”

Plus, did Bochy not realize that his shenanigans might get his own team’s scouts some rough treatment when they try to scout other teams? Oops.

The disgraced scout told Yahoo! that he was there to scout the Giants’ outfield arms. Chances are, that’s exactly what he was doing. And even if he wasn’t, so what? Baseball is the most simply complicated game in the history of the world. There are strategic intricacies to every pitch and every play and that’s why I love it.

But, everyone knows the same strategies and how to execute them – it just comes down to who does it better.

Between the A’s-to-San-Jose fiasco and now Bochy being a bum, the Giants are really starting to rub me the wrong way. And if I’m getting that feeling one week into Spring Training, you can imagine how fiercely I’ll take this rivalry in 2012.

Let’s just all make sure that if we watch the Giants warming up this season, to warn Bochy ahead of time that you come in peace.

Not So Saintly

March 3, 2012

Ugh. This story disgusts me. For anyone who hasn’t already heard, the New Orleans Saints (ironic, now) kept a “bounty fund” that rewarded defensive players for inflicting injury upon opposing players. That is absolutely unbelievable, immoral and deserves exceptionally strict penalties.

I understand that defensive players are paid to knock the crap out of anyone who’s carrying a football. They are taught to use helmets, pads, and the hardest, sharpest parts of their bodies to do whatever it takes to get that guy to the ground. But “jacking someone up” or “knocking someone out” are phrases. That’s not truly what the mindset of the majority of players is.

Except, apparently, if motivated by an extra $1,000.

So these gigantic human WMDs who already pull in at least half a mil per year, need an extra thousand dollars as a reward for hurting fellow athletes and friends? It’s unfathomable. And to think, it’s an organization that I had come to respect greatly and even secretly root for when they weren’t facing off against the 49ers.

I don’t know how many dark, mysterious adjectives I can use in one post to describe my feelings, but the first  emotion I had when the story broke was just pure disgust.

I can guarantee you right now that the best, most fierce linebackers in the game are not on that field aiming to hurt anyone. Patrick Willis. Clay Matthews. Even Ray Lewis, despite his intensity, is a soldier of the game. He plays to win, but he does it with class and respect, as all athletes should do.

Look, in high school I fake tagged at second base and the runner injured his ankle sliding late to avoid the throw that never came. I felt terrible. I know fake tagging is done even at the Major League level, and as a 15-year-old it’s almost excusable as just an immature act, but that doesn’t change the fact that another player was physically harmed because of something I did.

Professional athletes are on the biggest stage in the world and have NO excuse for things like that.

So, what are the repercussions? Time will tell. But everyone who crapped their pants over the Patriots’ Spygate incident a few years ago is probably internally combusting right now. Because this is far, far worse. And far more disturbing.

I think, as the article states, that the Saints should be hit with at least three lost picks and a hefty fine. But perhaps more damaging to that team is the respect they will lose from the rest of the league and the general fan base. All I know is if any of those players on defense are carrying the ball at some point next year, they are going to get absolutely rocked.

And those hits will be for free.

Knowshon Makes a No-Know

February 9, 2012
*Sorry about the spacing. WordPress hates me today*
What a day yesterday. My goodness. This MLB Fan Cave campaigning is killing me, and it’s only the beginning. I can’t believe how much support I’ve gotten from throwing up a couple links and an event on Facebook. My family and friends are simply amazing for extending the invitation to so many hundreds of people.
I’m not going to lie. The contest means a lot to me. There’s no point in being passive about this opportunity; it’s never going to happen again, so I’m going all-out. That being said, I’m trying to focus on writing a normal Jam Shots blog right now. It’s tough, but here goes:
First of all, big props to my buddies at Bleacher Report for starting the newest sports posing trend: Bradying! I love it. It’s multiple times better than Tebowing, because it actually makes fun of someone. And if you’re starting to feel bad for Brady, get over it. He’s still got three rings and a supermodel wife. Yeah, life is rough.
Now sometimes making fun of an athlete goes a little too far. Did this online pawn shop really have to deliver 900 pounds of Butterfinger’s in Boston to “thank” Wes Welker? Was it really worth the money? I’d like to see anyone at that company catch a 60-yard pass.
And sometimes it is good to give Tom Brady some grief after all. The magician who somehow scored 50 large by betting the first score of the Super Bowl would be a Giants safety is going to donate all post-tax earnings to charity. Including $5,000 to one of Brady’s choice. Beautiful in so many ways.
Knowshon Moreno is, plain and simply, an idiot. I honestly forgot he was in the NFL this year, until he got a DUI the other day. He was pulled over in a car with a personalized license plate that read SAUCED. Seriously. He might as well have been playing flip cup on the hood of his car in the Highway Patrol parking lot. I’m just shocked at the stupidity.
Damn it, I thought I promised to stop talking about football. Ugh. These post-season shenanigans are just too good to pass up! If Brady or Welker think they have it bad, I bet they’ve never had to try to ski without legs. Check this guy out. What an awesome athlete. Completely fearless, and worthy of everyone’s respect, to say the least.
One last thing before I close out here. Do you remember the 7-foot-5 high schooler with the unpronounceable name who is running kids up and down the court in Southern California? He’s got a new highlight tape and it’s just unfair. I don’t know what else to say. Just watch.
Wednesday is for weird web stories. And I’ve given you some freaky deaky stuff over the past couple weeks. But this one might take the cake for strangeness. This, folks, is why I haven’t golfed in over eight years. That sport is DANGEROUS.
Thanks for reading, and please…KEEP VOTING FOR ME!!!!!!!!!! Peace, love and hair grease.

Grading the Super Bowl

February 6, 2012

Warning: If you like boring football games, stupid commercials and a jaw-droppingly awful halftime show, you might want to turn and run right now. Because you’re not going to enjoy my blog. I’ve got to keep this short and sweet today, but here are my grades for the Super Bowl yesterday:

New England Patriots: D

Not just because they lost – but because Tom Brady had the ball in his hand with one minute left in the Super Bowl, but couldn’t get the win? Hello, stone hands. Aaron Hernandez and Wes Welker both dropped HUGE passes down the stretch that may have cost the Pats a title.

New York Giants: C

They won, but they still looked bad. Eli Manning is elite, we get it. Giants fans can stop throwing that one at us now. But as a whole, aside from a couple plays when it mattered, it was a pretty ugly performance by the NFC champs.

Commercials: C+

There were some gems, like the moon walking dog, the sexy M&M and Clint Eastwood’s eerie narration. But for the most part? It was a let down. Maybe we have set our standards too high. But in a year when we KNEW the game would suck, why did the commercials have to suck just as hard?

Halftime Show: F———

I can give that grade, because it’s my blog and I do what I want! I definitely could have happily lived the rest of my life not seeing Madonna’s wrinkly world while she lip-synched and did assisted cartwheels. The best part of the show was laughing at how goofy Cee-Lo looked and the few lines they allowed Nicki Minaj to spit. M.I.A. flipped off the camera, but that was at least controversial and somewhat exciting. And LMFAO had no business wasting their time up there.

Did I mention how unbelievably horrifyingly bad Madonna’s new single is? Why is that grandmother trying to be a cheerleader (that’s what I thought watching it, at least…)? Her new single is the most offensive thing I’ve heard since the GOP debate in South Carolina. I’m shivering just thinking about how close the halftime show came to ruining my life.

Overall: B

Because I was enjoying my Super Browl (yes, bro-bowl combo) time with some old friends, drinking beer and BBQ’ing. That’s what made this game memorable. Not the hail mary at the end of the game or Mario Manningham’s good-but-already-overrated catch. Just the company.

By the way, we drank every time a commercial sucked. I think I’m still drunk.

In honor of the Super Bowl, I leave you with a Monday special. No Nic Cage clip of the week today (I KNOW. I’m sorry.)…instead, the commercial I’ve chosen as the overall best from Super Bowl Sunday. It’s none other than that adorable naked piece of chocolate.

Time to do work. Later, freaks and geeks.

The Patriots Are Assholes

February 5, 2012

And I don’t mean that in an I’m-jealous-they-always-win kind of way. I mean that in a how-can-you-cut-a-dude-the-night-before-the-Super-Bowl kind of way? Let alone the one guy who got a Patriots logo shaved into the back of his flat top?! It’s heartless, it’s cruel, and it’s football. It’s the third time Tiquan Underwood has been cut this season.

And for anyone who thinks it’s no big deal because he’s still getting paid and will still get a ring if the Pats pull off the win…well you’ve obviously never played sports. Ninety nine percent of athletes would sacrifice the hardware and the paycheck to actually get to participate in their respective championship game. And I’m sure Underwood is no different; on the surface he may play it cool, but I promise on the inside he’s all like THIS.

We’ve got a snub alert! The major NFL awards were announced yesterday. My balanced, unbiased ballot looked like this:

Coach of the Year – Jim Harbaugh, San Francisco 49ers

MVP – Patrick Willis, San Francisco 49ers

Offensive Rookie of the Year – Kendall Hunter, San Francisco 49ers

Defensive Rookie of the Year – Aldon Smith, San Francisco 49ers

Offensive Player of the Year – Vernon Davis, San Francisco 49ers

Defensive Player of the Year – Justin Smith, San Francisco 49ers

Comeback Player of the Year – Alex Smith, San Francisco 49ers

Walter Payton Man of the Year – NaVorro Bowman, San Francisco 49ers (I don’t know why, I just wanted to give him an award)

All of the above that are in bold were picks I got right. As you can see, the NFL set a record with an 87.5% snub percentage in one season. Seven of the eight obvious choices were wrongly-awarded, denying the great players who truly deserved them. Harbaugh was a shoo-in, that was my easy choice.

But if you actually watched football this year, you’d have to agree that Willis was more deserving of MVP than Aaron Rodgers, Hunter should have unseated Cam Newton, Aldon Smith should have dominated Von Miller, Vernon should have beaten Drew Brees, Justin Smith should have easily won over Terrell Suggs, and Alex Smith should have out-comebacked Matthew Stafford. But it’s okay. I’m used to the 49ers getting snubbed by the East Coast bias.

I’m thinking if I ever meet someone who votes for those idiotic awards, this is how I’ll greet him or her. DAMN. Nice hit. A slight exaggeration on the announcer’s part though. I mean, 25 feet? Really? C’mon dude-iffer!

This is Sunday. Which means it’s the Super Bowl. Which means who gives a shit? I’ve never been this apathetic about the big game. But, I’ll still watch it so that I can write some whiny, annoying blog tomorrow about how lame the re-match was. Aren’t you excited?!

I leave you with some more football. In the Sunday Clip of the Week. It’s long, but if you appreciate good defense, you’ll love this kid’s tape. Check. It. Out.

Time to go destroy some Raider fans at beer pong.

I Just Can’t Wait to Be King

January 30, 2012

…Or at least as good as King James at dunking. My goodness, I’m an awesome blitler (blog titler) aren’t I? And pretty talented at referencing fantastic movies. Don’t worry, I’ll put the link in eventually. But not until the end so you’re forced to read this entire post. MUAHAHAHA!

Whoa. Sorry. Anyways, the reason I bring up LeBron is because of his dunk against the Bulls yesterday. Oh my god. Take a minute to watch that again. Poor John Lucas didn’t even know what hit him.

How do human beings possess the ability to jump that high? He just cleared a six-foot tall man like he was stepping out of bed. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’d give my left nut (it’s really just not up to par with the right one) to be that type of athlete.

But instead, I’m a sports junkie, who sits on the couch taking hits of SportsCenter and SportsNation and whatever else I can get my hands on.

Even if it’s something as weak as the NFL’s Pro Bowl. Brandon Marshall put on a one-man show, hauling in four touchdown passes in the AFC’s all-important win. I only watched bits and pieces, but it was really like watching the Patriots play…the Patriots. Explosive offenses against shitty, out of shape, lazy defenses. Granted, it’s a pointless exhibition but it’s still frustrating to see DBs just standing there as wide outs run right past them.

If Pete Rose was a football player he would have had a least three or four sacks in the Pro Bowl. Just sayin’.

Now, I have one question for all you winter sports geeks out there. Shaun White is the champ, we all know it. Even if he’s annoying and ugly. And he definitely had the best run in the SuperPipe competition last night. But how does he register the first perfect 100.00 score in the history of the event, when he had to put his hand down on one of the landings? That sounds like a pretty glaring bias in judging.

Must be good to be King, eh Shaun?

Well, it’s Monday people. You know what that means. A guaranteed clip to ruin your already crappy day. I introduce, the worst actor in the history of film in the Monday Nic Cage Clip of the Week.

Now get off me, I need to go work on my vert.

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