Posts Tagged ‘skip bayless’

No Excuses

April 14, 2012

There are no excuses in this business. So when I was experiencing blogger’s block earlier today, I thought “HEY. Cut it out! No excuses. No crying in baseball.” And this is what I’ve come up with for today’s Jam Shots:

There is no excuse for whoever that doofy-looking dude on the MLB Network representing the Rays, picked an answer of “Pete Rose” for the category “Hall-of-Famers who played in the 1971 All-Star Game.” I hate you, sir.

There is no excuse for Harold Reynolds on MLB Network choosing Dee Gordon, who started the season almost 100 at-bats over the maximum to be considered a rookie, for his NL Rookie of the Year in 2012. Give me your job, Harold.

There is no excuse for Shin-Soo Choo not knowing how to get out of the way of a fastball that’s coming at him. He fractured his thumb on an inside fastball from Jonathan Sanchez in 2011, and was hit in the same thumb this year by Chris Sale. Both times, he failed to even try to turn his back to the mound, like we are taught at a young age. #Idiot

There is no excuse for Joe Thatcher of the Padres walking Andre Ethier on four straight pitches with the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth last night. Especially given Ethier’s deficiencies against lefties. But I’m not complaining!

There is no excuse for whoever designed and built the new Miami Marlins stadium. Center field is already 418 feet deep, but you had to make the actual fences 20 feet tall? At least we won’t have to see much of that stupid home run structure.

There is no excuse for whoever hired Skip Bayless.

There is no excuse for blogger’s block. Hence, this gem. Thanks for reading, and comment below if I missed anything that should have no excuses.

Follow me on Twitter @Jamblinman.

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Roddy > Roger

February 15, 2012

I’m officially rescinding my promise to not talk about football any longer. It’s just not going to happen. The league is way too full of crazy, selfish, headline-busting characters to try to ignore them for a full spring and summer. That being said, blogees, meet blogger. Angry blogger. Vein-poppingly mad blogger. Punt-a-puppy mad blogger.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That’s not a response to Roddy’s reaction. That’s out of sheer amazement and frustration that one of the most terrible men in sports is making nearly the same salary as the newly minted 9-year, $214 million man, Prince Fielder. Or two and a half times the salary of Roddy White, one of the better wide receivers in the entire NFL.

Athletes make a crap ton too much money as it is. Because really, they are just playing a game. It’s no fault of their own, if you ask me. It’s the market for athletes today. That aside, it’s getting a little ridiculous when the dude who sits in a suit and just tosses fines and rule changes around like Zeus throwing lightning bolts, is making $20 million a year.

What exactly is Roger Goodell being paid to do? Ruin football? In the NFL today, you are not allowed to tackle, not allowed to kick, not allowed to run or breathe or think. And God forbid you wear blue shoelaces instead of white, or else you’re out a cool $30,000.

A bit of an angry exaggeration. But Goodell, while doing great things for player safety in all the wrong ways, has taken the fun completely out of football. What’s wrong with a little dance in the end zone? Who is going to be offended by Joe Horn’s cell phone? Sprint, because Verizon’s 3G service is better? Give me a break.

I can think of about 20 million better ways to spend $20 million than to pay Goodell this ludicrous amount of cash. Like, oh. Mosquito nets in Africa. Increasing the budget for inner city education. Making a dent, a scratch, barely touching the national debt.

Or hey, let’s reimburse the players who were unnecessarily fined over the last few years. Maybe supply all players with better helmets so concussions are reduced. No, no. That’s crazy talk.

Honestly, even if Goodell was a good commissioner, he should be making around $5 million a year tops. There is no way in Hell he should be absolutely pooping all over the paycheck a dynamic receiver who actually trains, runs, catches, scores, wins and puts fans in the seat on a daily basis is getting.

Roddy the Body is correct. Goodell’s salary is a joke. And so is he. And he’s officially moved into a tie with Skip Bayless for most hated man on Earth.

Excuse me while I go EARN some money. Peace.

Is Driving a Zamboni Even Possible When You’re Sober?

February 3, 2012

Oopsies…

There’s going to be so much college football recruiting news in today’s blog, you’re going to be tackling red shirt walk-ons in your sleep. We’ve got a Jamarcus Russell-sized QB commit, one who loves fast food, and one who could allegedly be the butt of “therapist” (insert a space in the appropriate place and figure it out) jokes when it’s socially acceptable in a few years.

Let’s talk about Fatty McFattysons first. And please don’t tell him I said that, cause the dude is SCARY. I don’t know how effective a passer he’ll be in college, as he’s already rated as a “worse passer” than Russell was at this point in the recruiting process. But one thing is for sure. If he gets past the D-line when he’s scrambling, the only person with a prayer to bring him down is the mascot in a celebratory jump hug. Here’s to hoping he turns out more positively than Russell did.

Now this is just hilarious. I remember the day I had to choose which college I was going to attend. Not because I was signing a letter of intent to smash opposing players in the mouth, but because my mom called me at lunch in high school and told me I had to decide by the end of the day. But I absolutely did not choose Washington State over San Diego State because there were two McDonald’s in Pullman, WA. Give me a break, kid.

This one is not as funny. It’s scary, sad and troubling. If it’s true, of course. When it comes to the combination of sports and crime, though, it can be pretty gut-busting. For example, how does one get a DUI? If you drink, don’t drive. Duh. But, if you get a DUI driving a Zamboni on the ice rink?! That’s just silly. And you deserve a high five before getting locked up.

Hey, did you all hear? Tom Brady is now “The Most Hated Man in Buffalo!” Do you know why? He said the hotels in Buffalo weren’t that great. Jesus, media members. Chill the hell out. People in the city named after a stinky, dirty, ugly animal are offended that somebody was unhappy with the mints on their hotel pillows. Who gives a buffalo dropping?

The fact that this story is news pisses me off. And the fact that Buffolians are pissed off about it makes me want to punch a puppy. An ugly one though. Cute ones are unpunchable. This whole Brady-hatred-for-innocent-statement saga makes no sense. It’s not newsworthy. If he had pulled something like this, I’d understand a little anger.

Here’s some anger for you. If I could do this even from a distance; from a remote island to a disappearing ESPN cruise ship sailing into the sunset, I’d die happy. Then I’d draw “Screw YOU Skip!” in the sand and pee all over it. Props to you, Mr. Smith. And am I ever jealous.

I hate to end this blog on a sad note, but I have no choice. Josh Hamilton is one of the best sports stories in the world. He’s like Miracle combined with the Natural combined with Warrior, all on steroids. Oh, shit. Not on steroids. That joke definitely doesn’t work when referring to baseball. Comic relief aside, reports have surfaced that Hamilton was spotted drinking in a bar in Dallas. I really, really hope that these aren’t true. I’m a big Hamilton fan. And relapse is okay when you’re Jamblinman and you’re drinking the daily sports scoop. But when you were suspended for multiple years for drug and alcohol abuse, relapse is not ideal.

What can I do now, but leave you with an awesome song to jam to while you read the rest of my fabulous blogs? By the way, Buffalo. Everyone hates you. How appropriate, given my Friday Song of the Week. I feel like an actual band made up entirely of horses would sound a hell of a lot worse. Alright, go away…time for a beer. Too soon?

“I’d Like to Thank the Good Lord that I’m a Yankee”

January 24, 2012

What’s up, dudes and dudettes? I’ve got some cool stuff to chat about today. But before we go anywhere – further proof that T-Sizzle from Ball So Hard U is freakin’ awesome. Props to the writer of that blurb, too. Screw you, Skip.

**

Let’s start in Indy. No, not the Super Bowl – everyone West of Iceland is already sick of that coverage. Including certain players on the Ravens. The “UnSuper Bowl?” Really, dude?

Anyway, I was talking more about Peyton Manning here. The guy who basically owns the city of Indianapolis. All morning, SportsCenter has had a fire in its loins about comments he made concerning the atmosphere around Lucas Oil Stadium right now. If we’re being real, the Colts better be sure his neck is really screwed, because this season proved that Peyton is the best player in the NFL. He is worth at least ten wins a season. Logically, he should be a front runner for MVP. And before you call me crazy, try to give me another reason that virtually the same team from 2010 that made the playoffs, went 2-14 with Curtis Painter and Kerry Collins under center.

**

Now here’s something you won’t see from me every day. Two, count ’em, TWO hockey stories in one entry! First off, the Bruins’ star goalie Tim Thomas was not in attendance at the White House, when President Barack Obama honored the team for their Stanley Cup title last year. To say the least, Thomas was not polite with his reasoning:

I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People. This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government. Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL. This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT

Um. What? Not polite, sure. Definitely not specific either. I understand what he’s saying here. But that is by far the most vague, formulated excuse I’ve ever seen. A lot of people feel that way, and trust me, they will tell you why. In layman’s terms, Thomas is saying “I won’t come to the White House because the government is a doo-doo head!”

That’s all fine and good if you’re anti-government. And I know as a recognizable figure in the very, very popular sport of hockey (Get it? It’s not popular.), he needs to be careful with how deeply he allows his publicist to delve into the topic of politics publicly. But there are two huge flaws. Thomas claims that it’s not a matter of party because both are at fault. So certainly, he can’t blame Obama solely for the state of our government. But still he won’t go shake the leader of our country’s hand? Give me a break. At least this doesn’t make him look like an awful, selfish teammate or anything.

And secondly, he gives no real reason except general distaste for the state of affairs in the United States. How have they grown out of control, Tim? Give us something! That’s like me saying, “Sorry, Mom. I can’t go to Great Granny’s brunch because she smells weird. Supporting her is against my morals. This is a protest.” Yeah, exactly like that.

I think there’s only one true explanation for Thomas’ absence. It all adds up – he plays hockey, therefore he’s at least 25 percent Canadian. He hates the U.S. government. He has a beard. GASP! Tim Thomas must be voting for the Canada Party! Traitor.

Okay, I promised you two hockey stories. I didn’t forget. But the only thing I have to say about this second one, is one of John Kerry’s friends finally stepped up for the good of humanity and did something all of us have wanted to do but didn’t have the balls or the bail money to actually pull off. Check this out. Damn, I wish I was cool enough to kick a politician’s ass!

**

We have a retirement to discuss. It’s the most consistently boring Yankee of all time and the subject of undoubtedly the worst “This is Sportscenter” commercial ever made. The Boss of Barehand. I’m all out of nicknames. It’s Jorge Posada. He quoted Joe DiMaggio in his press conference today, saying he’d like to thank the good Lord that he’s a Yankee. I don’t blame him. He must be so damn rich!

But really, Posada was a great player in his time. He retires with four rings and a slew of all-star appearances. And according to ESPN’s Pointless Statistic Department, he is retiring with the fifth-highest OPS (on-base plus slugging percentage) ever for a catcher. Well, that clinches it! The guy is a Hall of Famer!

**

I’ve got one more story for you today. And it’s back to football. It’s terrible, terrible news. Nike is going to take over the apparel business from Reebok for NFL uniforms, starting next season. You know what this means, right? All your favorite players and teams will be decked out in hideous versions of the Oregon Ducks’ jerseys. And they will each have 173 different combinations of helmet and jersey. And they will all be stupid and ugly.

But seriously, save for one or two random gold mines, has Nike ever produced a good-looking college football or basketball jersey? Yeah, yeah they are all technologically-advanced or whatever. But since when do improvements in comfort require the Phillie Phanatic to have explosive diarrhea all over a shirt that was bedazzled by Perez Hilton?

**

Thanks for reading. Until tomorrow, enjoy the Tuesday Tweet of the Day:

https://twitter.com/#!/atmosphere/status/161864790145384448

Creepy.

Lookin’ Like a Bunch of Bums Out Here!

January 23, 2012

This isn’t how I expected to start Jam Shots off. I regret to inform you that the only news I have today is sad news. First of all, let me explain something. This is not ESPN or Sports Illustrated. I will not claim to be an objective journalist with no ties to any teams, while really just trying and terribly failing at masking my love for all New York teams and Tom Brady’s junk.

I am a 49er fan. I love the Dodgers and A’s. And my alma mater, the Washington State Cougars. Therefore, I hate the San Francisco Giants. And the Washington Huskies. It comes with the territory of being a die hard fan. That being said, I guarantee you my blog will be less idiotic and infuriating than anything Skip Bayless has ever said. And since we’re on the subject, I hate that guy too.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, we can get back to the bummer of the century. The NFC Championship game last night. The 49ers lost a sloppy game to the New York FOOTBALL (you know, in case you forgot that the New York BASEBALL Giants moved out over 50 years ago…) Giants in overtime. It was such an ugly game that it was kind of like watching your grandparents knocking boots on the kitchen table, but those blue and white bastards got the best of my Niners. An average person might think it’s just raining in the Bay Area today. False. It is the collective cascading of thousands and thousands of people’s tears. The city is flooding.

Normally, I’d go out on a tangent, blindly blaming players and coaches and Indian gods, but today I’m going to take the high road. Well, after I make you sympathize with me.

Let me tell you, I’ve now experienced a broken heart. Sorry ’bout it ex-girlfriends, deceased former pets (R.I.P. Josh, Maggie and P.J.), and the latest Indiana Jones movie. Nothing will compare to how badly that loss hurt last night. This might seem weird, but instead of putting in Win A Date With Tad Hamilton! and downing a tub of ice cream like usual, I microwaved 16 turkey meatballs and stuffed my face with them. I…I don’t know. I was hungry. Uhh, anyways…

I learned all about “DABDA” in high school psychology. And yesterday I flew through Denial (I mean, the scoreboard rarely lies), was too sad for Anger, too tired to Bargain and spent the rest of the night in Depression. Or a meaty, steamy, ball-induced coma. Either way, it was a low point. I didn’t even have the energy to send a death threat to Kyle Williams like half of the Twitter world was doing (Shameless self-promotion time! Yay! Follow me on Twitter @jamblinman).

And that ends the feel-bad-for-the-author segment of our program. Because after a good night’s sleep and a couple dead-fish anger jumps on to the couch this morning, I’ve finally reached the last “A” – Acceptance. The 49ers lost. And I’m okay with it. Forget that this Super Bowl game will undoubtedly out-lame the National Championship rematch. The truth is, none of us fans expected to be here. Going from 6-10 one season to 14-4 the next and being one kick, slip or tackle away from the Super Bowl is nothing short of a miracle.

So props to Jim Harbaugh and his staff. Props to Alex Smith and his resurgence. And props to the most incredible defense the NFL has seen in a decade. And cheers to the fact that they will be back next year. With a full offseason. Completely healthy. And most likely with a couple new wide receivers. Tom Coughlin, I hope you’re reading this; you might need to change your diaper now.

And one last thing – Kyle Williams basically cost us ten points. You’re right. Get off his back. Where were the 3rd-down conversions? Where were the defensive takeaways? Where was the ballsy play calling? Where was the coverage on the 3rd-and-15-turned-into-17-yard-touchdown? Williams is a good receiver, a ridiculous athlete, and he’ll be back catching passes in the slot for us next season. He’s the goat today, but he deserves his fans’ support, not their threats.

Whew. Okay. On to the next bit of news! Oh. Great. It’s still sad. JoePa, a college football icon, passed away early Sunday after his health started failing the day before. All I have to say about him is this: It’s unfortunate that his unbelievable legacy will be tarnished by the recent Jerry Sandusky scandal. It’s understandable, but unfortunate. Hopefully he will be remembered for helping to pioneer the sport of football rather than being a silent accomplice to the biggest creep in the history of the world. They are Penn State. R.I.P. Joe Paterno.

Lastly, today, I have a little bit of basketball news for you. I want to ask – how tall were you in high school? Even after a growth spurt, most people here didn’t break six feet. I, for one, still have my original driver’s license from when I turned 16. It lists me as 5’10” and 170 pounds. Here I sit, seven years later, at 5’10”, 170 pounds. I know. Embarrassing. Besides, I look like I was just booked into a mental institute. Three hours in line at the DMV will do that to a kid.

Anyways, back to the news. Imagine being not six feet tall in high school. Not seven feet tall. But seven and a half feet tall, dominating fools on the basketball court. That’s the life of Senegalese teenager Mamadou Ndiaye (good luck), who plays high school hoops in Southern California. Watch the tape. The dude literally takes four strides from one basket to the other, and towers over the opposing center (who looks to be no taller than Danny DeVito to begin with). If he went to the NBA today, he’d be the tallest player on any roster. That’s just ridiculous. All I’m going to say is if this kid doesn’t average 40 and 40 every game, something’s wrong.

Thanks for reading the first installment of Jam Shots. Hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day and you don’t have to deal with my whiny, butt cramps about my team losing. Until then, enjoy the Monday Nic Cage Clip of the Week (because just like his acting, Mondays suck ass). Peace.


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