Posts Tagged ‘Cleveland’

Fight Night: Who Would Win?

April 2, 2012

Any boxing fans who saw that title are probably severely disappointed. I’m not talking about boxing, or MMA, or even a good old-fashioned “meet me in the parking lot after class, we’re throwing down” fight.

I’m taking inspiration from Ubaldo Jimenez beaning Troy Tulowitzki in the Indians-Rockies Spring Training game over the weekend. Jimenez, the pitcher formerly known as GOOD, who was traded to the Indians from the Rockies last season, beaned his former teammate in the elbow in what looked to be an incredibly intentional move.

Words were exchanged, steps were taken, benches were cleared…and is typical in baseball, nothing happened. So that leaves my imagination to wander: who would have won if the scuffle had turned into a full-on boxing match?

Forget the surrounding drama, I’m focusing on one thing and one thing only. Which gigantic athlete involved here would have whooped the other’s ass into submission?

Would Ubaldo pull a Nolan Ryan and give Troy the old Robin Ventura headlock-and-pound? Maybe Tulo would have charged and given a classic Andre Johnson hay maker to the head of Jimenez, a la Cortland Finnegan!

Either way, it would have been fun to watch. Let’s check out the tale of the tape before making a final decision:

In the purple corner, from Santa Clara, CA, fighting out of Denver, CO…he stands 6’3″ and weights 215 pounds, the INSANE INFIELDERRRRR…TROYYYYY TULOOOOOWITZKI!

And in the red corner, from Nagua in the Dominican Republic, fighting out of Cleveland, OH…standing 6’5″ and weighing in at 210 pounds, the PITCHER OF PAIN….UUUUUUUUBALDOOOOO JIMENEZ!

Now that we’ve gotten through that nonsense, let’s get to the decision. They are similar in size, but a couple differences stand out. First, Ubaldo probably has the reach by a few inches, as he’s exceptionally tall and lanky. That being said, Tulo would be stronger (tell one of those baseballs he’s smacked 450 feet that he’s a pansy…) and might KO Jimenez with the right connection.

Also, Tulo seems to be a more confident, composed person in general. He should be, since he’s one of the bright young MLB stars today. Then again, Jimenez has a chip on his shoulder, especially when it comes to the Colorado Rockies.

I can only imagine though, that Jimenez is more of a fighter than Tulo. I mean, Troy is from the suburbs of California. It would be an entertaining fight to say the least, but I think Jimenez knocks Tulo out in the third round. Given Tulowitzki’s injury history, it probably won’t take much.

Luckily, next time the two face off on the baseball field, the results would be much different. Considering Tulowtizki’s immense talent and Jimenez’s declining pitching skills, chances are Tulo would take him deep. And definitely take his sweet time rounding those bases.

Thanks for indulging in my little fantasy. Until tomorrow…I’ll be at the A’s vs. Giants game. YAY BASEBALL!

Hatin’ on Haters

February 17, 2012

Haters will love this blog. Because I’m going to absolutely tear them to shreds, one hateful limb at a time. And then when I’m done, and they are just a pile of dust, bones and coal at my feet, they will have so much new material to hate on that they won’t know what to do with themselves. I’m about to type the name that stirs things up like death eaters flocking to Voldemort: LeBron. James.

Earlier this week, LeBron was asked if he would ever consider returning to Cleveland before retiring. He said yes. Then, Jeremy Lin faded into the shadows, ESPN collectively pooped their pants and the world exploded. In that order. Forget the people hating on the rumor (which is just a whole new realm of hating I can’t even comprehend right now). Let’s talk about the fact that some analysts, fans and radio hosts were outraged at James even suggesting such an awful thing.

How dare he want to come back to the place he called home, to play for the fans he has always loved despite the new threads, for the franchise he essentially rescued from complete and utter destruction? What a selfish, no-good, ugly prick. Don’t you remember how he mercilessly ripped the Cav fans’ hearts out? And he did it in front of millions of people.

That’s like a girl breaking up with you in the middle of lunch in high school, standing on a table in the rally court and yelling through a megaphone about leaving you for the hotter, richer, more successful guy on the varsity team. Granted, it’s a shitty way to get dumped. But what Cleveland (said boy, or “you” in previous sentence), should have done is just cried, watched a few chick flicks, and gotten over it.

Instead they took the path that most do; talking endless crap about this slutty bitch who wasn’t even that good in bed anyway. It looked pathetic, it was pathetic, and it still is pathetic. But guess what? That entire city…no, the entire state got a half-chub just hearing LeBron answer yes to that question. If he were to sign with the Cavs after his time in Miami, the place would go bonkers. All is forgiven! All hail the return of the King!

LeBron was being honest when asked about returning to Cleveland. Yet he’s still wrong. What? It’s perfectly acceptable for him to carry a decrepit franchise for half a decade, bolt for bigger and brighter opportunities, have a successful career and then return to his roots to re-connect with the community that raised him. It’s kinda the circle of life in America.

I’ve grown up in a mid-sized town in Northern California my whole life. Then I went off to college in Washington. Now, I’m on my way to being the biggest, baddest blogger in the world. Nobody in Walnut Creek, CA is burning pictures of me or sending me death threats. And I will be the first to publicly admit that I’d love to come back to Northern California some day. After I’ve achieved all my goals and had some mad success in a big city somewhere.

Get off LeBron’s back. He’s always loved Cleveland, he always will, and some day he might even come home. You can either be the ex-boyfriend-turned-best-friend, or you can bitch and moan in his shadow forever, stealing glances at him like Gollum at Frodo.

By the way, The Decision? Raised over a million dollars for charity. Sorry haters, you just weren’t good enough for LeBron. He moved on. And when he allows you back into his graceful company, it will be your choice whether or not to forgive your sad, selfish qualms.

Long live the King. Make love, not war. And always wear a seat belt. Later haters.

 


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