Posts Tagged ‘Zooey Deschanel’

Three Strikes and You’re Out

February 14, 2012

That title is not my cleverly worded get-back at an ex on Valentine’s Day. I’m no Taylor Swift. But it is also somewhat misleading. It really has nothing to do with baseball. I just wanted to express something before the real fun starts. Nicki Minaj had a big ol’ swing-and-a-miss at the Grammy’s. It was creepy, annoying, painful and hardly music. That was strike one. This morning, she checked her swing with her new single Starships. Heard it on the radio. Almost cried. Isn’t she a rapper? Isn’t that why I enjoyed her stuff in the first place? Listen to it if you enjoy the sound of excruciating disappointment. Nicki is down 0-2. Time to choke up and make some contact, girl.

Okay so back to sports. I have one HUGE story to chat about, then we return to the Fan Cave saga! My boy Billy Beane did it again in Oakland. He made an absolutely baffling move to cap a frustratingly confusing off-season. I can understand adding Cuban sensation Yeonis Cespedes – he’s got power to all fields, he’s a plus defender and has good speed. It’s a great gamble. But why get him in the same winter that you trade away back-to-back 15-win seasons in Gio Gonzalez?

I realize Beane got about 46 of the top prospects in baseball for his dealings over the last few months, but to me, signing Cespedes says “We want to be competitive.” And in a division that absolutely loaded itself full of talent, by a team with no money and very few big-league ready players, this is a bold risk. I like the risk overall, because Cespedes will be fun to watch and will put butts in the seat, no matter what Chris Townsend says on the radio (don’t get me wrong, I’m talking about a few extra fans per game over the course of a season, so they might get like, a million total this year).

But as much fun as Cespedes should be to watch in 2012, the A’s need more than one potentially good bat in their lineup. I truly believe 100 losses is still a possibility in Oakland with the team they will be trotting out there, but adding Cespedes at least gives us hope. Time will tell. Again. Let’s just hope he doesn’t have a monster first half and then gets traded off to New York for 18 draft picks and a AAA pitcher.

Back to the Fan Cave, Batman! Just like I promised. First of all, it is a Hallmark holiday all about love today. So what I need you to do is toss the roses you bought me, give the chocolate to the annoying dog next door and log on to to continue voting for me! The more you vote, the more I know you love me. And my mom really loves me, so she’s probably already voted 100 times today. There’s your competition. So get to lovin’ and clickin’!

Finally, keep your eyes peeled for what I find to be a hilarious, self-created PROMO VIDEO for the Fan Cave being posted on the Facebook group page ( and my Twitter (@jamblinman) tomorrow. If I think it’s funny, then it must…well….it probably won’t be. But I embarrass the hell out of myself so that alone is worth watching and tossing a few thousand votes my way.

This is the internet, so I’m allowed to choose my own Valentine today. If you’ve followed this blog in the past, you should have an idea of who it’s gonna be. Surprise! Just kidding. Good luck and good night, lovers.


While We’re Young, Wild and Free

February 2, 2012

Well, we can officially put the “Blake Griffin is a God” talk to rest. As I pointed out yesterday, his dunk over Kendrick Perkins was significantly overrated and not even close to one of his ten personal best. Then, some doopster (dude hoopster) laid this beauty down in a college game. And suddenly, rightfully, Griffin is old news.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you finish a dunk.

I’m sure by now you’ve all seen some footage of the Egyptian stampede that took place after a soccer match yesterday. The death toll right now is at 74. I’m sure most people here don’t care because 1) it’s soccer, 2) it’s Egypt, but everyone needs to take notice. The United States essentially explodes from within when a streaker so much as tweets that he or she will storm the Phillies’ outfield.

Real fan violence takes place overseas, where soccer is king and passion falls like rain in Seattle (that’s a LOT, if you’ve never been). Take that into account next time you complain about that meany pants with the spiky face at the Raiders game yelled you suck to your family at the game. And if you go to a soccer game abroad, please be careful.

I finally have some baseball news! First, this. Because it’s the Yankees and they get too much pub to begin with, I’ll just hand you the link and tell you to read the first line and sit back in shock. And then you can think about it and realize how much sense Brian Cashman’s assertion makes. That’s all.

But even cooler, we have a Nyjer Morgan sighting! If you don’t like Nyjer, you must be either a commie or a Cardinals fan. But T-Plush is as bad ass a ballplayer as you’ll ever see. He’s the T.O. of baseball, minus the baby mama drama. So get a load of this guy taking on another sport! I love it.

Lastly, I have some punishment to dole out. Let me explain first. I have a raging bromance with Aldon Smith. He single-handedly gave me hope that the 49ers’ pass rush has a prayer in the next few years of returning to form. By the way, what’s the female version of bromance? I suggested homance and heavy flowmance, but my female friends didn’t take kindly to it. If you’re willing to risk public verbal flogging, comment below and tell me what the answer to that timeless question is.

Oh, right. Back to Aldon. He got a DUI the other day. The kid is barely old enough to drink. And as one of his fans, I wish I could just tell him this and let him walk. But he needs to be docked some serious pay by the NFL and a timeout from Coach Harbaugh. If he can make Alex Smith a respectable NFL quarterback, I’m sure he can help crank a few common sense life lessons through the younger Smith’s dense skull.

And it wouldn’t be Thursday without my P.T.Z.D.I.T.H.W.A! (Same title, but shorter. Whatever, just look.)

Panda Express: Perfectly Acceptable Road Trip Cuisine

January 26, 2012

Help. I can’t move my legs. I guess that’s what a day of snowboarding will do to ya. I’m on my iPad again, so you’re going to have to cut me some slack. Plus I’m in great danger of passing out at any minute from sheer exhaustion. And copious amounts of orange chicken MSG. Damn you, Panda.

By the way, this random thought just popped into my head and it’s too strange to not pose to you – if Pablo Sandoval, the Kung Fu Panda, eats at Panda Express, is it cannibalism?

Anyway, it may be way too early on in the Jam Shots legacy to jump into the realm of extreme sports, but I had a good day on the slopes so I’m going to anyway. Plus I thrive on annoying people, even at the risk of losing reads. So, onward!

Is there any group of athletes who are less glamorized for their physical capabilities than extreme athletes? I mean, I’ve been snowboarding for over a decade now and I can’t even imagine pulling off the things professional riders do. Have you seen Shaun White on the half pipe at the X-Games? Or how incredibly fast slalom skiers tear through those little flags?

And not to mention how often they risk life and limb for the sports they love (R.I.P. Sarah Burke). I can only imagine what bobsledders, BMX bikers and others face on a daily basis.

Besides, if you don’t think Cool Runnings is one of the greatest movies of all time…then get the hell out of my blog.

This is my personal list of the five most difficult things to do in sports:

1. Hit a baseball. Seriously. Have you tried it? Don’t even get me started on curve balls.

2. Stop a penalty kick. That’s soccer, folks. You know, that sport America is constantly failing at miserably?

3. Anything extreme. Whether that be a 360 on skis or a grind on a skateboard. It’s just superhuman.

4. Stop a hockey puck. I have no experience with it but I imagine it would be similar to catching a bullet between your chopstick-wielding fingers while blindfolded. On ice.

5. Kick a game-winning field goal. No, this isn’t a pity party for Billy Cundiff. But that’s a lot of terrifying men clawing and foaming at the mouth to get to your skinny little leg.

Comment below and tell me why my list is perfect. Or if you must be a selfish punk, suggest your own ideas.

Since news is slow, I will give you the answers-written-on-the-hand version of what’s gone down over the last 24 hours in the sports world.

The Colts hired Ravens defensive coordinator Chuck Pagano yesterday to shovel the shit that Indy became. That’s weird, zoo-related psychobabble for “new head coach” by the way. And in more interesting news, I think there’s some lint in my belly button. I should shower. But really, Pagano is a great choice…assuming Ed Reed, Haloti Ngata and the entire line backing corps is coming with.

And the rest of my addiction was fed by flipping between the epic upset that was Oklahoma State over Missouri and the snoozefest of Louisville over Villanova. I only watched the latter because I enjoy how many times they have to call out the name of Louisville’s home court (The KFC Yum! Center. I know. It’s awesome). And forget the monstrous upset in the first game – I have a bone to pick with the refs.

Some player with mad hops on Okie State threw down one of the sickest dunks I’ve seen in years. And immediately got ejected on his second technical for ‘taunting’ because he stared down the posterized player on Mizzou. Couldn’t those refs tell he was simply concerned? He was making sure the dude who got a mouthful of dunktacular balls didn’t need facial reconstructive surgery. I swear, rules these days…

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Until tomorrow, here is my Thursday Proof That Zooey Deschanel Is The Hottest Woman Alive (Okay, I know the title needs work and implies that there may be more beautiful women who are not alive…but it’s going to be a Jam Shots fixture on Thursdays so quit your whining and embrace it!).

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