Posts Tagged ‘Yahoo!’

Let’s Play A Game

March 22, 2012

Thank you to Jillian Clark for reminding me today about all my different rage-isms.

I’ve recently discovered internet rage is a flaw of mine. Very similar to something else I have (road rage), it means when someone does something stupid online or the web page is loading too slowly, I feel a sudden burning urge to:

a. Punch a hole through my computer screen

b. Punt the nearest baby or puppy (I only have one of those, and she is really good at fetch so I don’t want her getting hurt)

c. Post an angry comment on some online forum that I’ll never look at again but that will significantly decrease my stress levels

I also have walking rage. So, if you’re walking down the sidewalk, especially in a group, please observe normal humans doing it first so I don’t have to twist and turn like a goddamn Gumby doll to get by you. Assholes.

So now you know. After an exceptionally long intro, let’s focus on that internet rage. We’re going to play a game. Mostly using Yahoo! as my source, we’re going to find all the stupid shit that pisses me off and make a list of things that are falsely portrayed as news. Then we’ll compare it against things that do matter. Why? Because it’ll make me feel better.

NOT NEWS:

1. There was a name mix-up in Diamondbacks camp? How cute! In more important news, that blister on my toe finally popped. This is exactly why people don’t take Yahoo! Sports seriously – 90 percent of their stories are fluff like this.

2. Someone really hates Peyton Manning. Another gem from Yahoo! It’s unique, it’s a little bit morbidly funny, but I don’t know who the dead guy is. I don’t care. Another two minutes of my life wasted.

3. This one makes me want to set a garbage can on fire. So a hot chick has a boyfriend, but Tim Tebow thinks she’s purty and wants her to know that. But oh no, so does Mr. Hockey Player guy on Twitter, even though he was clearly joking! You know what this means…DRAMA! LOVE TRIANGLE! SCANDAL! Shut the hell up.

4. Please don’t make me explain why this is a waste of the good ol’ World Wide Web…

5. And the grand daddy of them all. The one that pissed me off so much that I decided to boycott Yahoo forever. I’m currently in the process of moving over to Gmail. Why? Because this was the LEAD story on Yahoo! a couple of days ago. It was ahead of my #1 for what IS news (see below…and try not to rage at the fact that it was buried underneath Beyonce’s stupid baby bump).

WHAT IS NEWS:

1. This isn’t the Yahoo! story, but it’s very similar. I tweeted out about my personal boycott (I’m sure all 75 followers were very impressed…), but maybe it did make a difference. Because no less than five minutes later, the stories were switched. Sierra Lamar was in the lead, and Beyonce’s belly was not. All was right with the world. But I’m still holding this grudge. Also, this is unbelievably sad – let’s not forget about what really matters.

2. Roger Goodell actually does something right! Normally, that wouldn’t be a story. But paying professional athletes to purposely hurt other professional athletes is not only disgusting and immoral, but sets a turrible example for any aspiring young football player. I’ve been vehemently in favor of harsh punishment of the New Orleans Saints over the “bounty” system that was in place under former coordinator Gregg Williams. Goodell really put the hammer down on the organization, and it’s a huge step in the right direction for the NFL.

3. Wow, this is just incredible. A player collapsing from cardiac arrest on a soccer pitch is a fantastic story, and something that should open up the eyes of everyone in sports. This player is my age and nearly died from a freak heart flaw in the middle of a match, if not for the heroic efforts of the medical staff. The prices we pay for the games we love are crazy.

4. The Million Hoodie March is something I can definitely get behind. If you haven’t heard Trayvon Martin’s tragic tale, Google that immediately. There are many, many layers of further importance buried within this story, from race issues to gun laws. It’s one of those things that just makes me question everything about the country I live in and its policies. Nobody deserves to die the way Martin did.

5. Another star of the 90s is going to retire. And it hurts my heart. Chipper will always be one of those guys I grew up admiring and modeling my game after. Atlanta Braves fans should feel lucky to have had such a stellar player on their team for so many years. I hope he has a fantastic final year and goes out with a bang.

There you have it – now you know. Unless you want angry Jamblinman, you stop supporting the bogus news stories listed above. Start paying attention to the things that matter, whether they are in the sports world or the real world. Otherwise, you’re just wasting your time.

Hatin’ on Haters (Again)

March 20, 2012

If you’ve forgotten already, one of my favorite pastimes is hating on haters. I wrote a scathing blog about people who hated on LeBron James for riding his bike to an NBA game. And I’m about to hate on the second most hated man’s haters this time around.

This is actually more of a statement on Journalism in general, but here goes:

Who would EVER want to work for a tabloid newspaper? I understand that if you are a Journalist in New York you are either into tabloids, politics, money or unemployed. But the mere fact that Alex Rodriguez brought his 20-year-old niece on a birthday shopping spree is not fodder for news.

Today is a bad news day. On Yahoo! mail earlier, there were two news stories. The lead story: Beyonce Flaunts Postbaby Look. Buried below it: Search for Missing Teen. Excuse me while I go punch humanity in the face.

My point is, why are people so enamored with what celebrities are and are not doing? Unless Beyonce is naked or has some kind of Cloverfield-style deformity that will just blow my mind, I don’t really give a hoot about that story.

Similarly, if Alex Rodriguez had laid a forearm shiver to the Easter Bunny in the middle of Central Park while cracked out on hard drugs, I’ll read. Because that would be hilarious no matter who it was. But if A-Rod was trying to give his niece a gift, but accidentally mis-read the return policy, this isn’t news.

If A-Rod had gone back with a baseball bat and shredded the register with a few big cuts, it’s news. Even if the tabloids had taken an angle like how did he afford all that?, it would have been stupid but at least relevant to the situation. It seems to me that Rodriguez and his sister need to have a little chat, because what people are forgetting is that the $17,000 he reportedly spent is literally one at-bat over the course of a season.

You know what I want to see? A story on A-Rod where the journalist sits him down, and says “What do you love about baseball?” Or something to that effect. Because I’m tired of seeing him share popcorn with a girlfriend (wow, what a unique experience!) or bring his own food to restaurants in order to cater to the public’s hypocritical demands that he constantly be in shape and performing on the field to justify the millions of dollars he makes from our own grabby, nacho and beer-buying hands.

Give the guy a break. He did something nice for a family member. Then he ran into a normal, human, every day problem that just happened to have a much bigger price tag attached to it. One that he can afford. He’s human, these things happen.

Not only am I boycotting Yahoo! mail, but I’m done living here. I’m taking my talents to South Beach. And I’m picking up Alex on the way. Me, him and LeBron are gonna go chill. Give us a ring if you want to kick it (especially LeBron, he could really use a ring…ZING!).

Bochy-ing That One…

March 9, 2012

Jamblinman’s the name, being punny’s my game! As much as I just want to sit here and absolutely tear the San Francisco Giants’ manager a new one…I can’t. I respect Bruce Bochy. And I’m tired of being so angry all the time.

Okay, that second part isn’t true. But still, I’ll quash the little devil in a Dodgers jersey whispering in my ear and try to be fair and sensible in today’s blog. That being said, what Bochy did at Spring Training this week was absolutely ludicrous and wrong.

Oh, you haven’t heard yet? Here, let me help you out. Don’t scoff at this – it IS news (for once…way to go, Yahoo!). Pete Rose is banned from baseball for violating what amounts to an unwritten rule; a silent code if you will. A-Rod almost got his face ripped off by Dallas Braden for breaking an unwritten rule. And now Bochy has joined a club he doesn’t belong in.

Luckily, the Giants quickly rectified the situation and did solid damage control. But it worries me that Bochy even went there in the first place. I could understand someone like Ozzie Guillen pulling shit like removing another team’s scout from the stands during practice, but not Bochy.

Why is this a big deal, you ask? First of all, because you just don’t do it. This isn’t Rajon Rondo listening in on another team’s huddle. This isn’t a Patriots employee video taping the Jets’ walk-through. This is not immoral or illegal in any way. It’s a scout, well…scouting.

Unless Bochy and the Giants were working on a super secret new hit-and-run play that is going to revolutionize the game as we know it, there is no violation here. And no, they weren’t doing that. Mostly because the Giants couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn so they won’t worry about hit-and-runs. ZING had to do it.

As the Yahoo! article states, anything that has to be secret in baseball is done in the clubhouse. Nobody stands on an open diamond and yells, “HEY GUYS! LISTEN UP! THIS YEAR, WHEN I TOUCH MY BELT, THEN MY NOSE, THEN MY BELT AGAIN, IT’S A DELAYED STEAL! DON’T TELL ANYONE!”

Plus, did Bochy not realize that his shenanigans might get his own team’s scouts some rough treatment when they try to scout other teams? Oops.

The disgraced scout told Yahoo! that he was there to scout the Giants’ outfield arms. Chances are, that’s exactly what he was doing. And even if he wasn’t, so what? Baseball is the most simply complicated game in the history of the world. There are strategic intricacies to every pitch and every play and that’s why I love it.

But, everyone knows the same strategies and how to execute them – it just comes down to who does it better.

Between the A’s-to-San-Jose fiasco and now Bochy being a bum, the Giants are really starting to rub me the wrong way. And if I’m getting that feeling one week into Spring Training, you can imagine how fiercely I’ll take this rivalry in 2012.

Let’s just all make sure that if we watch the Giants warming up this season, to warn Bochy ahead of time that you come in peace.


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