Posts Tagged ‘Sportscenter’

I Just Can’t Wait to Be King

January 30, 2012

…Or at least as good as King James at dunking. My goodness, I’m an awesome blitler (blog titler) aren’t I? And pretty talented at referencing fantastic movies. Don’t worry, I’ll put the link in eventually. But not until the end so you’re forced to read this entire post. MUAHAHAHA!

Whoa. Sorry. Anyways, the reason I bring up LeBron is because of his dunk against the Bulls yesterday. Oh my god. Take a minute to watch that again. Poor John Lucas didn’t even know what hit him.

How do human beings possess the ability to jump that high? He just cleared a six-foot tall man like he was stepping out of bed. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’d give my left nut (it’s really just not up to par with the right one) to be that type of athlete.

But instead, I’m a sports junkie, who sits on the couch taking hits of SportsCenter and SportsNation and whatever else I can get my hands on.

Even if it’s something as weak as the NFL’s Pro Bowl. Brandon Marshall put on a one-man show, hauling in four touchdown passes in the AFC’s all-important win. I only watched bits and pieces, but it was really like watching the Patriots play…the Patriots. Explosive offenses against shitty, out of shape, lazy defenses. Granted, it’s a pointless exhibition but it’s still frustrating to see DBs just standing there as wide outs run right past them.

If Pete Rose was a football player he would have had a least three or four sacks in the Pro Bowl. Just sayin’.

Now, I have one question for all you winter sports geeks out there. Shaun White is the champ, we all know it. Even if he’s annoying and ugly. And he definitely had the best run in the SuperPipe competition last night. But how does he register the first perfect 100.00 score in the history of the event, when he had to put his hand down on one of the landings? That sounds like a pretty glaring bias in judging.

Must be good to be King, eh Shaun?

Well, it’s Monday people. You know what that means. A guaranteed clip to ruin your already crappy day. I introduce, the worst actor in the history of film in the Monday Nic Cage Clip of the Week.

Now get off me, I need to go work on my vert.

Forget You, Beautiful Stranger…I’m Sexy And I Know It!

January 28, 2012

Is there any debate that Saturday is the best day of the week? We get to sleep in, do whatever we want all day and all night, then look forward to absolutely nothing important on Sunday. Winning! I’m sorry. That is an incredibly annoying video.

Well, Saturday is also a good day for splogging. That’s sports blogging for those that don’t know me and don’t understand my obsessive tendency to combine words. They are known as “Jisms” (Jam-isms) and will frequent my blog until you give up on humanity. Right, back to splogging.

We have huge news for the Super Bowl! LMFAO, Cee Lo Green and Madonna are joining forces to play halftime. And now, most of you do the “ohhhhhhhh that’s what the title means” groan. This slate of performers can only mean one thing. Regardless of how little talent is actually present on stage, the show will be stuck in your head like a migraine for at least six days straight. I’m just imagining a mash-up of Party Rock Anthem, Crazy and Like A Virgin. Comment below and specify which one of those three is now haunting your brain. You’re welcome.

Honestly, I think this is a step up from what the Super Bowl has produced in recent years. At least it will be fun. And for everyone outside of Boston and New York, it will definitely be the most entertaining part of the game.

Speaking of fans being butt hurt about their teams not going to Indianapolis for all the marbles…I found a clip of a fellow 49ers fan after they lost in the NFC Championship. I sent the URL (that is essentially the web address, ya old fart) to my roommate, and he responded “Dude that’s exactly what you looked like after the game!” Fabulous.

Even more offensive than my roommate’s comment was what Darrelle Revis told a reporter at the Pro Bowl yesterday. He said he was surprised that Tim Tebow wasn’t there and that he deserved to be in, based on his winning games. Look, I already swore off hating Tebow. But if Tim Tebow is a Pro Bowler, Alex Smith and his 14 wins this season should be starting for both teams.

And I have to ask; what the hell is Rob Gronkowski’s DAD doing telling the media about his son’s injury? Even more frustrating, which media members are so incompetent and desperate that they run to Mommy and Daddy to get a story? This has been happening far too much in professional and collegiate sports lately. Unless the story directly involves a family member, keep them out of it. Parental interference in offsprings’ sports should have ceased right around middle school soccer.

Unless of course, it is the WSOBP we are talking about. Then all fatherly wisdom and motherly care is welcome with open arms. What do you mean you have never heard of the WSOBP?! Prepare to hop on the beer ball bandwagon. The WSOBP or World Series of Beer Pong is the greatest tournament to hit this Earth since Gladiators who looked strangely like Russell Crowe clashed with their nemeses in the Colosseum.

With the World Series of Poker quickly fading into obscurity (let’s be real – EVERYONE thought Phil Ivey was the coolest cat on the tables and he NEVER won), this should definitely fill the slot on ESPN. Anything announced by Bruce Buffer deserves consideration. And who knows, maybe some day beer pong will firmly cement its place in the Olympics, where it belongs.

I know you’re waiting for me to say “just kidding,” but as a proud alum of Washington State University, who are proud consumers of six percent of the national Busch Light sales, who is proud to provide beer for thousands of students to partake in beer pong, I will leave you hanging. Proudly.

On to the game that Michael Jordan ruined for everyone. No, not baseball. Basketball – because he was so unfairly good, who will ever top him? Nobody. That’s who. I just wanted to point out that the last couple days have been a mini-skills challenge if you’ve paid attention to SportsCenter. We’ve had about 30 buzzer-beating half-courters at all levels and Dwyane Wade and LeBron James combined for ten highlight reel dunks in their win over the Knicks yesterday. That is all.

And Jam Shots wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t complain about ESPN at least once. So, without further adieu, I’m sitting in front of the TV right now with the screen paused (isn’t DVR just fantastic?) on this statistic: Rookies in NBA history with 11+ points per game, 8+ assists per game and 4+ rebounds per game are John Wall, Damon Stoudamire, Mark Jackson and Oscar Robertson (who averaged 30, 9.7 and 10 I might add…I think that deserves its own class).

The reason ESPN’s Pointless Stat Dept. is throwing these numbers up, is because Ricky Rubio is currently averaging 11.4/8.8/4.6 for the T’Wolves. The second lowest point total among the four rookies previously mentioned is 13.6 by Jackson. Which means ESPN lowered their standards for this “rookie benchmark” to 11 points per game, just so Rubio would fit and they would have news. I’m too annoyed to even explain why that’s stupid.

Well, that’s all folks. I leave you with the Saturday Badass Clip of the Week (hint: it’s always, always going to be a Denzel clip).

Now go away. I have a sudden itch to watch Remember the Titans. And Gladiator. Who’s got it better than me? *Sniffle* Nobody. *Sob*

“I’d Like to Thank the Good Lord that I’m a Yankee”

January 24, 2012

What’s up, dudes and dudettes? I’ve got some cool stuff to chat about today. But before we go anywhere – further proof that T-Sizzle from Ball So Hard U is freakin’ awesome. Props to the writer of that blurb, too. Screw you, Skip.

**

Let’s start in Indy. No, not the Super Bowl – everyone West of Iceland is already sick of that coverage. Including certain players on the Ravens. The “UnSuper Bowl?” Really, dude?

Anyway, I was talking more about Peyton Manning here. The guy who basically owns the city of Indianapolis. All morning, SportsCenter has had a fire in its loins about comments he made concerning the atmosphere around Lucas Oil Stadium right now. If we’re being real, the Colts better be sure his neck is really screwed, because this season proved that Peyton is the best player in the NFL. He is worth at least ten wins a season. Logically, he should be a front runner for MVP. And before you call me crazy, try to give me another reason that virtually the same team from 2010 that made the playoffs, went 2-14 with Curtis Painter and Kerry Collins under center.

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Now here’s something you won’t see from me every day. Two, count ’em, TWO hockey stories in one entry! First off, the Bruins’ star goalie Tim Thomas was not in attendance at the White House, when President Barack Obama honored the team for their Stanley Cup title last year. To say the least, Thomas was not polite with his reasoning:

I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People. This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government. Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL. This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT

Um. What? Not polite, sure. Definitely not specific either. I understand what he’s saying here. But that is by far the most vague, formulated excuse I’ve ever seen. A lot of people feel that way, and trust me, they will tell you why. In layman’s terms, Thomas is saying “I won’t come to the White House because the government is a doo-doo head!”

That’s all fine and good if you’re anti-government. And I know as a recognizable figure in the very, very popular sport of hockey (Get it? It’s not popular.), he needs to be careful with how deeply he allows his publicist to delve into the topic of politics publicly. But there are two huge flaws. Thomas claims that it’s not a matter of party because both are at fault. So certainly, he can’t blame Obama solely for the state of our government. But still he won’t go shake the leader of our country’s hand? Give me a break. At least this doesn’t make him look like an awful, selfish teammate or anything.

And secondly, he gives no real reason except general distaste for the state of affairs in the United States. How have they grown out of control, Tim? Give us something! That’s like me saying, “Sorry, Mom. I can’t go to Great Granny’s brunch because she smells weird. Supporting her is against my morals. This is a protest.” Yeah, exactly like that.

I think there’s only one true explanation for Thomas’ absence. It all adds up – he plays hockey, therefore he’s at least 25 percent Canadian. He hates the U.S. government. He has a beard. GASP! Tim Thomas must be voting for the Canada Party! Traitor.

Okay, I promised you two hockey stories. I didn’t forget. But the only thing I have to say about this second one, is one of John Kerry’s friends finally stepped up for the good of humanity and did something all of us have wanted to do but didn’t have the balls or the bail money to actually pull off. Check this out. Damn, I wish I was cool enough to kick a politician’s ass!

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We have a retirement to discuss. It’s the most consistently boring Yankee of all time and the subject of undoubtedly the worst “This is Sportscenter” commercial ever made. The Boss of Barehand. I’m all out of nicknames. It’s Jorge Posada. He quoted Joe DiMaggio in his press conference today, saying he’d like to thank the good Lord that he’s a Yankee. I don’t blame him. He must be so damn rich!

But really, Posada was a great player in his time. He retires with four rings and a slew of all-star appearances. And according to ESPN’s Pointless Statistic Department, he is retiring with the fifth-highest OPS (on-base plus slugging percentage) ever for a catcher. Well, that clinches it! The guy is a Hall of Famer!

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I’ve got one more story for you today. And it’s back to football. It’s terrible, terrible news. Nike is going to take over the apparel business from Reebok for NFL uniforms, starting next season. You know what this means, right? All your favorite players and teams will be decked out in hideous versions of the Oregon Ducks’ jerseys. And they will each have 173 different combinations of helmet and jersey. And they will all be stupid and ugly.

But seriously, save for one or two random gold mines, has Nike ever produced a good-looking college football or basketball jersey? Yeah, yeah they are all technologically-advanced or whatever. But since when do improvements in comfort require the Phillie Phanatic to have explosive diarrhea all over a shirt that was bedazzled by Perez Hilton?

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Thanks for reading. Until tomorrow, enjoy the Tuesday Tweet of the Day:

https://twitter.com/#!/atmosphere/status/161864790145384448

Creepy.


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