Posts Tagged ‘Kobe Bryant’

And the Oscar Goes to…

February 27, 2012

…Angelina Jolie for her skeleton-in-a-dress outfit! Yay for jokes that are already old. But seriously, when did she go from being super hot to just kinda creepy-looking? Way to go, Brad.

I hate Mondays. We all do. While I was laying in bed this morning after being woken up by this glorious song (daily routine – try it, you’ll love it…money-back guarantee), I was brainstorming what to write for Jam Shots today. And by brainstorming, I mean my brain was starting like a car in the snow. Enough to keep me breathing, basically. And after I valiantly wrestled (and lost) with the idea of calling in sick to work due to exhaustion/Monday morning blues/nomotivation-itis, it dawned on me.

I can write an entertaining, sports-related blog that is timely because it is formatted after an awards show. And it will be fun and easy. Like I need Mondays to be. So, here goes:

Best Supporting Actor – LeBron James: I love the guy, and he’s the best athlete in the NBA, but let’s be real here. He’s not the go-to guy. Every player, coach and fan in the Miami Heat organization wants the ball in Dwyane Wade’s hands with the game on the line. I didn’t watch the NBA All-Star Game this weekend (nor the dunk contest…I was watching water boil instead. I found it much more exhilarating), but even Amish folk must have heard that LeBron passed up a game-winning shot with Kobe prodding him on.

Best Director – Davey Johnson: Okay, this is a completely unjustified selection. But so was Nick Nolte not winning best supporting actor for Warrior at the real Academy Awards. I don’t care that I haven’t seen the performances of the other four actors in that category. Good for that old dude for winning, but Nolte is old too. And he made me cry multiple times in that damn movie. Oh, right…Johnson. He’s the manager of the Washington Nationals. So this selection is based on my prediction that the Nats take home the N.L. East title this year. That’s an accomplishment that will undoubtedly win Johnson a Manager…er Director, of the Year award.

Best Actor – Kevin Durant: I’m just using simple logic here. The All-Star Game pits the best players in the game against each other. The MVP is the best player in a given league. If A + B = C, and B + C = A, then…oh, hell. I don’t know. But Durant took home the MVP honors in yesterday’s All-Star Game, therefore making him the best player in the NBA. It doesn’t exactly work like that, but he may be on track to lead the league’s best team to the NBA Finals. He’s going to be a front-runner for MVP and deservedly so. The Durantula is super fun to watch, and has an awesome nickname.

Best Picture – Moneyball Baseball: Yes, baseball in general. We’re fully into Spring Training. Which means we don’t have to pretend to care about the shortened NBA season or the Sharks lookin’ like a bunch of bums out on the ice. With the brief exception of March Madness, the next 8 months is all about the diamond. Fresh grass, sunflower seeds, incredibly uncomfortable jock protection, and fuzzy, green mascots. If we’re really talking films, take this into consideration. Some dude on Twitter last night during the Oscars had the balls to Tweet to Jermaine Dye that Moneyball was the best baseball movie ever made. I about fell out of my chair. I’m going to hunt that Tweeter down and shove a copy of The Natural (or The Sandlot. Or A League of Their Own. Or Field of Dreams. Or Bull Durham. Or The Rookie. Or Hardball, even. Get the point?) up his ass.

My version of the Oscars has four awards. Sorry I’m not sorry. And sorry it’s only men. I don’t know enough about women’s sports. But I presume Meryl Streep would be nominated in every category and I hope Octavia Spencer would win one of them, because her speech was awesome. Okay, bye now.

The Tebow of Basketball

February 11, 2012

You know I couldn’t wait much longer to talk about the phenomenon of Jeremy Lin (great first name by the way…has a ring to it). He is the Tim Tebow of the NBA. Except he’s actually making a difference in their wins. Wait. So. Maybe he’s just…good?

Nawwwww. No way. No seriously. Even Kobe can’t contain the guy. It really is a great story though. Apparently, Lin wasn’t even a star in high school, but in the unlikeliest of scenarios, he’s now the starting point guard for the New York Knicks, wowing the home crowd at the Garden. I swear, if Lin carries the Knicks to the playoffs, he’s the biggest underdog in the history of sports.

So you think steroids in baseball are bad? How about cocaine? This isn’t the first time a former player has admitted to playing on coke, but it’s still considered not as bad as steroids for some reason. I will never understand that. Both drugs will mess you up, and clearly steroids aid a player more, but it’s freakin’ COCAINE. It’s almost impressive that these guys could play while coked out. But really it’s just stupid. I’m the foremost complainer about steroid-riddled players, but next time I bitch and moan about it, I’ll keep in mind that my favorite player could be doing lines in the locker room instead.

The biggest event of the sports weekend? Surprisingly, THIS. Notice that name hovering around the top with one round left to play? That’s Tiga Tiga Woods y’all! Even if you don’t like golf, even if you don’t like Tiger, you can’t pretend it doesn’t tickle your sports fan nipples every time Tiger is in the hunt going into the final round. I know I’ll be keeping an eye on that scoreboard all day tomorrow. That’s fer shizzle.

Lastly, did anyone see the video of Will Ferrell announcing the starting lineups for the New Orleans Hornets vs. Chicago Bulls game the other day? If not…you’re welcome. Absolutely hilarious.

I leave you with one more plea. My internet is failing miserably and I’m desperate to continue campaigning for my MLBFanCave candidacy. So read this blog, vote for me HERE and follow me on Twitter @jamblinman so I can get that coveted spot in the Big Apple this summer. Much love. Peace!

And the Freak Gets Freakier

February 7, 2012

Let’s get this out of the way. Congrats, dude. Now hopefully we are done talking football for quite some time. The most mundane ending to a season in the history of the world has occurred, and what a shame if 2012 is actually the last year we all exist. The 49ers are so damn close to the Promised Land!

Anyway, back to the greatest sport in the world, since that’s all anyone really cares about in the sports world between February and October. I’ve got a strange inkling that Tim Lincecum is either awkwardly obese under an extra baggy jersey or might possibly be near death from lack of consumption.

I know those are two extremes, but according to reports, the Freak shed 22 pounds this offseason. Even more troubling, he claims to have been near 200 last season. Um. No chance. WHERE DID THOSE POUNDS DROP FROM? His hair? Among other nicknames, he’s been hailed as “Tiny Tim” for a reason. He’s not a big guy, but he brings a big fastball and some filthy off-speed stuff. He’s incredibly skinny, like the gawky skater kid who always wore a black hoodie in high school and never had his headphones actually off his ears, regardless of whether or not music was playing.

But I guess Lincecum had poundage to lose. And he did, by cutting out McDonald’s (is that even a sacrifice unless you’re painfully hungover?) completely and In-N-Out partially. I can understand losing Mickey D’s, but he’s insane to drop In-N-Out. That is the best, creamy goodness-in-burger ever made. Props to Timmy for making it happen, and time will tell if he will benefit from being that skinny. I know it gets windy by the Bay, so he might need some heavy cleats to keep him on the actual field when he’s pitching.

And hundreds of years later, white people decided to finally do the Native Americans a solid. I’m not sure if this quite makes up for everything, but let’s just let bygones be bygones and rip the unbelievably racist, ghastly savage patches off the Atlanta Braves’ new weekend alternate uniforms.

That is one of the ugliest logos I’ve seen in sports…ever. And on top of that, it’s blatantly offensive. Major League Baseball and the Braves made a very keen decision. For once. Honestly, I am one to side with Native Americans on issues over sports teams using likenesses as logos and mascots and what not, but usually I’m soft on it overall. I don’t think the Indians’ Chief Wahoo is troubling (in fact, he looks quite happy), but that creepy one on the Braves’ uni definitely had to go.

I leave you with a stern message today, kids. Don’t text and drive. Yeah, he wasn’t even close to making that turn. Oops, sorry about your car, Dad.

And of course, drum roll please…the Tuesday Tweet of the Day! Yayyyy! Any Kobe doubters still out there? Bueller? Bueller? Didn’t think so.

I’m gonna go take some cuts in the cage. I’m using Tim Lincecum as my bat. Hah, get it? Okay bye.


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