Posts Tagged ‘Indianapolis Colts’

Quarterbacks Galore

March 6, 2012

I know, I know. It’s baseball season. TRUST ME. I understand that. I spent half my day listening to the Dodgers’ Spring Training broadcast on my phone. But first of all, there are three big QB topics to discuss today. And secondly, I’m still a little butt-hurt that the aforementioned Doyers lost to the Giants…

…it’s gonna be a long season.

Let’s start with my boy Alex Smith. I’ve been hearing way too much on talk radio over the last few days that Colin Kapernick should “get a shot.” The only shot Kap should be taking right now is shots of Patron as he chills on the bench, watching Smith lead the 49ers back to the playoffs.

Wow, that was an awfully bad play on words. Give me a break, I’m off my game – that Dodgers loss is really getting to me!

Smith will be back with the Niners next season, he will be the starter, and Kap will get another full season to hone his skills and learn a little leadership under Jim Harbaugh. I’m fine with giving the kid a shot in the preseason and in blowouts, as long as he doesn’t throw the ball to Josh Morgan. Since he jinxed him and Morgan busted his ankle on that catch-and-run from Kap last year.

But for now, you can talk about Smith’s inability to throw the deep ball, his mediocre stats or his boring demeanor all you want. I’ll show you tape of the NFC Divisional playoff all day and challenge you to tell me that Alex Mother Beepin’ Smith wasn’t the biggest reason we advanced to the NFC Championship just a couple short months ago.

Now, he’s no Drew Brees or even post-neck-surgery Peyton Manning. Not many QBs are. But that brings me to my next point. The New Orleans Saints are just being plain STUPID lately. Don’t even get me started on the bounty nonsense, because this blog will turn into a very angry novel. I’m talking about how they pissed off their franchise quarterback by tagging him with that exact distinction: their “franchise” player.

Except this time, it means that he gets paid a shit ton less than he should. That’s not even what Brees is “livid” about. He’s upset that he specifically told the Saints not to franchise him and wanted to knock out a long-term deal. Telling Brees no in this situation is like the animals on Noah’s Ark kicking him overboard. Brees saved the Saints’ franchise and brought them a Super Bowl title, yet they are going right at his knees with this contract crap. Ironic, considering…nevermind I won’t go there.

And in the biggest news of the day, the elder (and now less-prominent, as far as Super Bowl victories go…WTF?) Manning is out in Indy! The Colts declined to pay him $28 million to do nothing. Okay, so that’s fine. I can understand that business decision. And it’s too bad, because even though Andrew Luck may be a once-in-a-lifetime prospect, he’s still unproven.

If anything, you can expect a Sam Bradford-esque rookie season out of Luck. I’m sure the Colts will enjoy letting their new QB get beat up and rack up “L’s” while Manning does his thing in Washington, or Seattle, or Arizona or wherever the hell there is a GM smart enough to pick him up!

Don’t get me wrong – I like Luck and I think he’ll do great. But those are some gigantic, Hall-of-Fame sized cleats to fill in Indianapolis. As for Peyton? Don’t fret. He missed out on a cool chunk of change, but the dude’s gonna get paid a King’s ransom no matter where he goes. And chances are, he’ll probably be playing postseason football wherever he goes.

That’s all for today. Tomorrow, it’s back to baseball. I promise. Heck, I’ll even make a plug right here, right now.

Cretins! Read the Three Up, Three Down blog! Listen to the Three Up, Three Down podcast! Like the Three Up, Three Down Facebook page! And follow us on Twitter at @3U3D. You won’t be disappointed.

Until tomorrow, this is Colin Kaepernick…taking Jam Shots. (No? Not even a giggle?)

So THAT’S Why Dwight Wants Out!

January 27, 2012

Holy guacamole we have a lot to talk about today. The last 24 hours in sports has gotten me buzzin’ on the good stuff. Winter X-Games is in full gear, the Magic have 99 problems but a swish ain’t one (actually it is), and hockey really is the best at something! Here we go (Oh, come ON. Totally fake, that house would not be livable)!

I’ll be honest. The reason I’m bringing up the Winter X-Games is because the guy who won gold in Snowmobile Freestyle laid down the first acceptable Tebow (short for Tebowing in this case) I’ve seen in months. First of all, I don’t know what a hippie-haired kid from Texas is doing winning a Winter X medal, but he killed it and then nailed the pose in front of Tebow’s Colorado faithful. Check it out.

On to the NBA, where Magic tricks are pulled on a daily basis. Or so it seems. I actually feel bad for Orlando (but I definitely don’t feel bad for this British broad…eat an apple, woman!). Not only does Dwight Howard want out, but they are giving him no reason to stay, and doing so in a losing-to-Boston fashion. And nobody likes Boston teams. Not even Boston likes Boston teams. Oh god, I can hear the mob of chowdah-slinging ruffians coming at me from here!

But really, the Magic got absolutely blown out by the Celts a couple of days ago. Then, yesterday, they built up a HUGE halftime lead. As in insurmountable. As in the only team who could blow that type of lead would be the 2004 Yankees (ZING! And Boston loves me again). Yet the Magic vanished, and they did blow that lead and any hope they had of retaining their big man. I no longer blame Dwight for wanting to bounce. That was simply embarrassing.

They were up 21 at halftime, had a big lead of 27 in the second half…and lost by eight. Twenty five points in the second half for Orlando, including being outscored 27-8 in the fourth quarter. Yikes. Sayonara, D12. I’m not even mad. That’s amazing! It must have been more difficult to screw up so royally than to actually win the game.

In other NBA news, I learned I’m very much in the minority. Not only because I hardly care about or follow professional basketball, but because I thought the ABA uniforms in the Grizzlies vs. Clippers game yesterday were freakin’ SWEET! Seriously, the NFL is going to let Nike’s blind fashionistas design next year’s uni’s when they could go with awesome throwbacks like that? I hope they wear those every night!

Before I move away from basketball altogether, I’ve got a little surprise for you! Remember the big posterization I mentioned from the college game a couple of days ago? Happy learned how to Google! Sit back, relax and enjoy this face mashing. That’s the most offensive thing I’ve seen since war and famine. Okay, I’ll stop stealing movie lines.

Moving on. Let’s talk a little football. First, the boring stuff. The Bucs hired former Rutgers coach Greg Schiano to take over the head coaching gig. Hey, if you think his college record that’s one game over .500 is that impressive, good on ya. Turning around the Rutgers football program is no small task, but an underachieving team full of rich, thuggish prima donnas is a helluva lot bigger problem. If Schiano can get QB Josh Freeman to regain confidence, leadership and the decision-making ability he showed in 2010, there’s a chance. Otherwise it’s going to be early curtains for the coach.

According to ESPN’s Cold Hard Facts segment, they think Rex Ryan is on the hot seat for next season. I’m a bigger fan of Rebecca Black than Rex Ryan, so after seeing that on the tube, this was me in my living room: Wahoo! I’ll bet you 50 pesos that you can’t watch that commercial without cracking a smile. And I’m so, so sorry if you clicked on the Rebecca Black link. I really am. But at least we know what day it is now…ugh.

Before I move on to some tear-jerking football news, can we just settle something? I respect Yahoo! Sports, I really do. I get a lot of breaking news through them and generally enjoy the blogs and articles I find on there. But my God, if they aren’t the worst at mis-titling their stuff. At least once a day I find something like this that was originally titled “Harbaugh Disses Californians.” Um. What?

And most recently the media has been getting its collective rocks off to a Peyton Manning vs. Colts’ owner Jim Irsay spat that isn’t a spat at all. In fact, the media made it news in the first place. It’s extremely frustrating to see a sports media outlet putting misleading titles on stories that aren’t controversial, just so they will get more reads. It’s cheating. It’s like drinking Four Lokos at a party – obviously you’re going to get drunk first and at the cheapest price. Be a man and drink a beer! “Firing back,” my ass.

Now, I don’t have much to say about these next two. Except they make my tummy feel funny in a good way. Not like the first time I saw Hayden Panettiere all grown up. More like that choking-back-tears feeling I get at the end of The Green Mile (spoiler alert). Check out Kyle Williams’ biggest little fan, and why Jason Pierre-Paul’s biggest supporter has never seen him play.

Lastly, for football, JoePa’s service took place yesterday. ESPN covered a bit of it, but a couple of things really struck me. First of all, 12,000 people showed up to support Paterno. Twelve. Thousand. That’s incredible. If I have a quarter of that many people who care about me when I’m gone, I’ll consider my life a fantastic success.

That being said, and I’m sure I’ll take flak for this one, Nike chairman Phil Knight had absolutely no reason to bring up the scandal when he was speaking. It was nice of him to whip the crowd into a frenzy for pro-Joe sentiment, but blaming what happened during the Jerry Sandusky investigation solely on the investigators is pure ignorance. I understand it’s not the time or place to acknowledge that Paterno played a role in everything, but that’s when you just keep your mouth shut.

Alright, we have one more bit of business today. I promised you that hockey actually does something better than every other sport. And now I’m here to deliver. The NHL All-Star Game is perfection. The MLB game is insanely flawed, the NBA version is over-the-top, and the Pro Bowl in the NFL is irrelevant. But in hockey, two captains get to choose teams in a draft format out of the pool of All-Stars. It’s fun for the players and the fans, and actually keeps the viewer interested.

And how awesome is this? Every year, the last guy picked in the “draft,” wins a new car. It’s like Mr. Irrelevant in the NFL draft, except they actually get to play…and then drive away in a sick new ride. Well done, hockey. Well done.

Whew. That was a lot. Hope you enjoyed it. And since it’s Friday, everyone’s getting ready to party this weekend, and I definitely need to redeem myself for linking to Rebecca Black earlier in the blog, here is the Friday Song of the Week. Because who doesn’t like a little fun? See what I did there? Seriously though, this band rocks.

Peace!

Panda Express: Perfectly Acceptable Road Trip Cuisine

January 26, 2012

Help. I can’t move my legs. I guess that’s what a day of snowboarding will do to ya. I’m on my iPad again, so you’re going to have to cut me some slack. Plus I’m in great danger of passing out at any minute from sheer exhaustion. And copious amounts of orange chicken MSG. Damn you, Panda.

By the way, this random thought just popped into my head and it’s too strange to not pose to you – if Pablo Sandoval, the Kung Fu Panda, eats at Panda Express, is it cannibalism?

Anyway, it may be way too early on in the Jam Shots legacy to jump into the realm of extreme sports, but I had a good day on the slopes so I’m going to anyway. Plus I thrive on annoying people, even at the risk of losing reads. So, onward!

Is there any group of athletes who are less glamorized for their physical capabilities than extreme athletes? I mean, I’ve been snowboarding for over a decade now and I can’t even imagine pulling off the things professional riders do. Have you seen Shaun White on the half pipe at the X-Games? Or how incredibly fast slalom skiers tear through those little flags?

And not to mention how often they risk life and limb for the sports they love (R.I.P. Sarah Burke). I can only imagine what bobsledders, BMX bikers and others face on a daily basis.

Besides, if you don’t think Cool Runnings is one of the greatest movies of all time…then get the hell out of my blog.

This is my personal list of the five most difficult things to do in sports:

1. Hit a baseball. Seriously. Have you tried it? Don’t even get me started on curve balls.

2. Stop a penalty kick. That’s soccer, folks. You know, that sport America is constantly failing at miserably?

3. Anything extreme. Whether that be a 360 on skis or a grind on a skateboard. It’s just superhuman.

4. Stop a hockey puck. I have no experience with it but I imagine it would be similar to catching a bullet between your chopstick-wielding fingers while blindfolded. On ice.

5. Kick a game-winning field goal. No, this isn’t a pity party for Billy Cundiff. But that’s a lot of terrifying men clawing and foaming at the mouth to get to your skinny little leg.

Comment below and tell me why my list is perfect. Or if you must be a selfish punk, suggest your own ideas.

Since news is slow, I will give you the answers-written-on-the-hand version of what’s gone down over the last 24 hours in the sports world.

The Colts hired Ravens defensive coordinator Chuck Pagano yesterday to shovel the shit that Indy became. That’s weird, zoo-related psychobabble for “new head coach” by the way. And in more interesting news, I think there’s some lint in my belly button. I should shower. But really, Pagano is a great choice…assuming Ed Reed, Haloti Ngata and the entire line backing corps is coming with.

And the rest of my addiction was fed by flipping between the epic upset that was Oklahoma State over Missouri and the snoozefest of Louisville over Villanova. I only watched the latter because I enjoy how many times they have to call out the name of Louisville’s home court (The KFC Yum! Center. I know. It’s awesome). And forget the monstrous upset in the first game – I have a bone to pick with the refs.

Some player with mad hops on Okie State threw down one of the sickest dunks I’ve seen in years. And immediately got ejected on his second technical for ‘taunting’ because he stared down the posterized player on Mizzou. Couldn’t those refs tell he was simply concerned? He was making sure the dude who got a mouthful of dunktacular balls didn’t need facial reconstructive surgery. I swear, rules these days…

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Until tomorrow, here is my Thursday Proof That Zooey Deschanel Is The Hottest Woman Alive (Okay, I know the title needs work and implies that there may be more beautiful women who are not alive…but it’s going to be a Jam Shots fixture on Thursdays so quit your whining and embrace it!).

“I’d Like to Thank the Good Lord that I’m a Yankee”

January 24, 2012

What’s up, dudes and dudettes? I’ve got some cool stuff to chat about today. But before we go anywhere – further proof that T-Sizzle from Ball So Hard U is freakin’ awesome. Props to the writer of that blurb, too. Screw you, Skip.

**

Let’s start in Indy. No, not the Super Bowl – everyone West of Iceland is already sick of that coverage. Including certain players on the Ravens. The “UnSuper Bowl?” Really, dude?

Anyway, I was talking more about Peyton Manning here. The guy who basically owns the city of Indianapolis. All morning, SportsCenter has had a fire in its loins about comments he made concerning the atmosphere around Lucas Oil Stadium right now. If we’re being real, the Colts better be sure his neck is really screwed, because this season proved that Peyton is the best player in the NFL. He is worth at least ten wins a season. Logically, he should be a front runner for MVP. And before you call me crazy, try to give me another reason that virtually the same team from 2010 that made the playoffs, went 2-14 with Curtis Painter and Kerry Collins under center.

**

Now here’s something you won’t see from me every day. Two, count ’em, TWO hockey stories in one entry! First off, the Bruins’ star goalie Tim Thomas was not in attendance at the White House, when President Barack Obama honored the team for their Stanley Cup title last year. To say the least, Thomas was not polite with his reasoning:

I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People. This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government. Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL. This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT

Um. What? Not polite, sure. Definitely not specific either. I understand what he’s saying here. But that is by far the most vague, formulated excuse I’ve ever seen. A lot of people feel that way, and trust me, they will tell you why. In layman’s terms, Thomas is saying “I won’t come to the White House because the government is a doo-doo head!”

That’s all fine and good if you’re anti-government. And I know as a recognizable figure in the very, very popular sport of hockey (Get it? It’s not popular.), he needs to be careful with how deeply he allows his publicist to delve into the topic of politics publicly. But there are two huge flaws. Thomas claims that it’s not a matter of party because both are at fault. So certainly, he can’t blame Obama solely for the state of our government. But still he won’t go shake the leader of our country’s hand? Give me a break. At least this doesn’t make him look like an awful, selfish teammate or anything.

And secondly, he gives no real reason except general distaste for the state of affairs in the United States. How have they grown out of control, Tim? Give us something! That’s like me saying, “Sorry, Mom. I can’t go to Great Granny’s brunch because she smells weird. Supporting her is against my morals. This is a protest.” Yeah, exactly like that.

I think there’s only one true explanation for Thomas’ absence. It all adds up – he plays hockey, therefore he’s at least 25 percent Canadian. He hates the U.S. government. He has a beard. GASP! Tim Thomas must be voting for the Canada Party! Traitor.

Okay, I promised you two hockey stories. I didn’t forget. But the only thing I have to say about this second one, is one of John Kerry’s friends finally stepped up for the good of humanity and did something all of us have wanted to do but didn’t have the balls or the bail money to actually pull off. Check this out. Damn, I wish I was cool enough to kick a politician’s ass!

**

We have a retirement to discuss. It’s the most consistently boring Yankee of all time and the subject of undoubtedly the worst “This is Sportscenter” commercial ever made. The Boss of Barehand. I’m all out of nicknames. It’s Jorge Posada. He quoted Joe DiMaggio in his press conference today, saying he’d like to thank the good Lord that he’s a Yankee. I don’t blame him. He must be so damn rich!

But really, Posada was a great player in his time. He retires with four rings and a slew of all-star appearances. And according to ESPN’s Pointless Statistic Department, he is retiring with the fifth-highest OPS (on-base plus slugging percentage) ever for a catcher. Well, that clinches it! The guy is a Hall of Famer!

**

I’ve got one more story for you today. And it’s back to football. It’s terrible, terrible news. Nike is going to take over the apparel business from Reebok for NFL uniforms, starting next season. You know what this means, right? All your favorite players and teams will be decked out in hideous versions of the Oregon Ducks’ jerseys. And they will each have 173 different combinations of helmet and jersey. And they will all be stupid and ugly.

But seriously, save for one or two random gold mines, has Nike ever produced a good-looking college football or basketball jersey? Yeah, yeah they are all technologically-advanced or whatever. But since when do improvements in comfort require the Phillie Phanatic to have explosive diarrhea all over a shirt that was bedazzled by Perez Hilton?

**

Thanks for reading. Until tomorrow, enjoy the Tuesday Tweet of the Day:

https://twitter.com/#!/atmosphere/status/161864790145384448

Creepy.


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