Posts Tagged ‘Google’

Let’s Play A Game

March 22, 2012

Thank you to Jillian Clark for reminding me today about all my different rage-isms.

I’ve recently discovered internet rage is a flaw of mine. Very similar to something else I have (road rage), it means when someone does something stupid online or the web page is loading too slowly, I feel a sudden burning urge to:

a. Punch a hole through my computer screen

b. Punt the nearest baby or puppy (I only have one of those, and she is really good at fetch so I don’t want her getting hurt)

c. Post an angry comment on some online forum that I’ll never look at again but that will significantly decrease my stress levels

I also have walking rage. So, if you’re walking down the sidewalk, especially in a group, please observe normal humans doing it first so I don’t have to twist and turn like a goddamn Gumby doll to get by you. Assholes.

So now you know. After an exceptionally long intro, let’s focus on that internet rage. We’re going to play a game. Mostly using Yahoo! as my source, we’re going to find all the stupid shit that pisses me off and make a list of things that are falsely portrayed as news. Then we’ll compare it against things that do matter. Why? Because it’ll make me feel better.

NOT NEWS:

1. There was a name mix-up in Diamondbacks camp? How cute! In more important news, that blister on my toe finally popped. This is exactly why people don’t take Yahoo! Sports seriously – 90 percent of their stories are fluff like this.

2. Someone really hates Peyton Manning. Another gem from Yahoo! It’s unique, it’s a little bit morbidly funny, but I don’t know who the dead guy is. I don’t care. Another two minutes of my life wasted.

3. This one makes me want to set a garbage can on fire. So a hot chick has a boyfriend, but Tim Tebow thinks she’s purty and wants her to know that. But oh no, so does Mr. Hockey Player guy on Twitter, even though he was clearly joking! You know what this means…DRAMA! LOVE TRIANGLE! SCANDAL! Shut the hell up.

4. Please don’t make me explain why this is a waste of the good ol’ World Wide Web…

5. And the grand daddy of them all. The one that pissed me off so much that I decided to boycott Yahoo forever. I’m currently in the process of moving over to Gmail. Why? Because this was the LEAD story on Yahoo! a couple of days ago. It was ahead of my #1 for what IS news (see below…and try not to rage at the fact that it was buried underneath Beyonce’s stupid baby bump).

WHAT IS NEWS:

1. This isn’t the Yahoo! story, but it’s very similar. I tweeted out about my personal boycott (I’m sure all 75 followers were very impressed…), but maybe it did make a difference. Because no less than five minutes later, the stories were switched. Sierra Lamar was in the lead, and Beyonce’s belly was not. All was right with the world. But I’m still holding this grudge. Also, this is unbelievably sad – let’s not forget about what really matters.

2. Roger Goodell actually does something right! Normally, that wouldn’t be a story. But paying professional athletes to purposely hurt other professional athletes is not only disgusting and immoral, but sets a turrible example for any aspiring young football player. I’ve been vehemently in favor of harsh punishment of the New Orleans Saints over the “bounty” system that was in place under former coordinator Gregg Williams. Goodell really put the hammer down on the organization, and it’s a huge step in the right direction for the NFL.

3. Wow, this is just incredible. A player collapsing from cardiac arrest on a soccer pitch is a fantastic story, and something that should open up the eyes of everyone in sports. This player is my age and nearly died from a freak heart flaw in the middle of a match, if not for the heroic efforts of the medical staff. The prices we pay for the games we love are crazy.

4. The Million Hoodie March is something I can definitely get behind. If you haven’t heard Trayvon Martin’s tragic tale, Google that immediately. There are many, many layers of further importance buried within this story, from race issues to gun laws. It’s one of those things that just makes me question everything about the country I live in and its policies. Nobody deserves to die the way Martin did.

5. Another star of the 90s is going to retire. And it hurts my heart. Chipper will always be one of those guys I grew up admiring and modeling my game after. Atlanta Braves fans should feel lucky to have had such a stellar player on their team for so many years. I hope he has a fantastic final year and goes out with a bang.

There you have it – now you know. Unless you want angry Jamblinman, you stop supporting the bogus news stories listed above. Start paying attention to the things that matter, whether they are in the sports world or the real world. Otherwise, you’re just wasting your time.

March Madness – Day 2

March 16, 2012

In any other aspect of life, 11 out of 16 really isn’t that bad. It’s probably a passing grade, at least. And it’s definitely not the relevant version of an apocalypse. But when it comes to a March Madness bracket, missing five on day one is a terrible outcome. And ladies and gentlemen, my bracket is officially busted.

But, I won’t give up. Yahoo! Sports has a $5,000 “second-chance” pool, and I’m all in on that. We keep on keepin’ on in rough times like these, even if my little newspaper bracket has more red lines than cow has stomachs. No, literally there are five, as compared to four cow stomachs (okay, four compartments within the stomach, whatever).

So here we go. My first round, day two predictions for March Madness:

(6) Cincinnati def. (11) Texas – I got asked a funny question by a friend when the NCAA field was announced. He said, how the hell did Texas get in? I responded, they are Texas. And that’s really all there is to it. That old saying “it’s the name on the front of the jersey…” really applies to UT. Because the selection committee saw that burnt orange and started drooling, regular season be damned. Well, Cincy is here to show them who’s boss.

(3) Florida State def. (14) St. Bonaventure – This is a case of another team many believed got unfairly included in the field. Why was a team like Drexel left out for the likes of St. Bonavenutre? I’ll tell you what – against a team that beat Duke AND North Carolina twice each this season, St. Bonny’s is in for a whoopin’. I’ve got the Seminoles in my Final Four, so I’m pulling hard for these guys. I expect FSU to do exactly that – F.S.U. (F*** shit up)!

(2) Duke def. (15) LehighDuke may not be quite themselves this year with so much youth on the team, but they are still damn dangerous and I expect them to make a deep run. Step one will be defeating Lehigh, who hails from…um. Where…who…what…I literally have no idea. It sounds like a preppy private high school. Good luck staying within 25 points, Lehigh.

(7) Xavier def. (10) Notre Dame – I honestly don’t even remember who I picked in this game on my real bracket. But I’m going with X-to-the-A, Xavier! How can you root against the only team who will ever start with an X? And rooting for Notre Dame is so cliche, anyway.

(6) San Diego State def. (11) NC State – I swear I’m picking an upset eventually. Just not this one. This was actually a very tough choice for me, based on the logic of sympathy. SDSU was supposed to be in the midst of a down year, and instead ended up with a favorable seed in March Madness. NC State was the last team in, and their live reaction to the news could be a Disney movie in itself. In the end, the Aztecs win because Ron Burgundy likes San Diego.

(8) Creighton def. (9) Alabama – Creighton Fraker, one of the top 24 American Idol contestants this season, was unjustly upset when he wasn’t put through to the Final 13. So, his namesake is making up for it by pummeling Alabama (who should really stick to football). Okay, fine the Tide is pretty solid, but nobody likes to see a show-off.

(3) Georgetown def. (14) Belmont – A lot of people have tabbed this as a potential upset. I can see why, but I’m not interested in agreeing. Belmont could be a Cinderella, sure. Especially against chronic choke artists like Georgetown. But I don’t see it happening this year. The stakes are high, especially for the 14 seed. You could say…the Belmont Stakes are high…No?

(1) North Carolina poops on (16) Vermont – No Syracuse/UNC Asheville scare here, although it would be pretty cool. I think UNC will do dirty, unspeakable things to Vermont. Are they still a state, by the way? Anddddd the judges have conferred…the ruling is…YES! Vermont is still a state. Which is good, because this crew is going straight back home after two very ugly halves of basketball.

(4) Michigan def. (13) Ohio – The two major schools in these respective states hate each other with a fiery passion. I can relate (Giants vs. Dodgers, Cougars vs. Huskies). Unfortunately for hopeless dramatics, this is the baby brother of Ohio State. And they aren’t very good at basketball. Good enough, I suppose, but Michigan should run these guys ragged on the hardwood.

(7) St. Mary’s def. (10) Purdue – All hail the East Bay boys! St. Mary’s is a solid 12-minute drive from my house, so of course I’m pulling for them. I ultimately have other motives too. St. Mary’s and Gonzaga have a huge rivalry, and it’s a small victory for my pride every time Gonzaga loses. As long as the Gaels get farther than Gonzaga in this tournament, I can mask my indifference with a smile.

(12) South Florida def. (5) Temple – There we go. There’s the upset we’ve been waiting for. I love these 12/5’s for some reason. This is legit though – in the play-in game against Cal, South Florida just whooped on the Bears. I believe the halftime score was somewhere in the neighborhood of 325-13. Look for that momentum to carry over to today’s game.

(2) Kansas def. (15) Detroit – This should be interesting. Kansas is one of the best teams in the nation and will have no trouble handling Detroit if all goes right. But you never know with Bill Self and KU – they’ve been victims of an incredible amount of legendary upsets over the past five tournaments or so.

(10) Virginia def. (7) Florida – This ain’t your back-to-back National Champion Billy Donovan Gator team. This is your about-to-get-crushed by Jeremy’s alma mater’s former coach’s new team Gators. Confused yet? Basically what I’m saying is Florida isn’t really all that great, but the Cavs, led by former Washington State coach Tony Bennett, definitely are. This is a pretty easy upset to call if you ask me.

(2) Missouri def. (15) Norfolk State – I want Mizzou to lose, partially because I have good friends at Kansas (they are not cool with Missouri, to put it nicely). And also because when the seedings were announced, most teams jumped up and down and celebrated and hugged. Missouri had confetti pouring out of their ceiling. Literally. And this is after one good season of basketball. But, I can’t pick against a team this talented. Not when the opponent is Norfolk State, at least.

(8) Memphis def. (9) Saint Louis – I can’t believe I made this choice. I mean, that David Freese guy is so clutch and Chris Carpenter is a bona fide ace out there on the mound! Oh, it’s the SCHOOL St. Louis? Not the entire city? Well that’s a stupid name. In that case, go Memphis!

(1) Michigan State def. (16) LIU Brooklyn – This could be a fun game. What does LIU stand for (don’t Google it ya cheater!)? I’m going with Lazy Irish Unicorn personally. Doesn’t fit quite with the whole Brooklyn stereotype. Then again, neither does losing at basketball. But it’s going to happen, and it’s going to happen hard. Although I’d love to see the Spartans go down in a historic fireball of FAIL since Sports Illustrated picked them to win the whole shebang.

There’s my 16 games for Day 2! Hopefully I can stay awake long enough to hit refresh a million times while wishing I had a TV at work. Go LIU!

So THAT’S Why Dwight Wants Out!

January 27, 2012

Holy guacamole we have a lot to talk about today. The last 24 hours in sports has gotten me buzzin’ on the good stuff. Winter X-Games is in full gear, the Magic have 99 problems but a swish ain’t one (actually it is), and hockey really is the best at something! Here we go (Oh, come ON. Totally fake, that house would not be livable)!

I’ll be honest. The reason I’m bringing up the Winter X-Games is because the guy who won gold in Snowmobile Freestyle laid down the first acceptable Tebow (short for Tebowing in this case) I’ve seen in months. First of all, I don’t know what a hippie-haired kid from Texas is doing winning a Winter X medal, but he killed it and then nailed the pose in front of Tebow’s Colorado faithful. Check it out.

On to the NBA, where Magic tricks are pulled on a daily basis. Or so it seems. I actually feel bad for Orlando (but I definitely don’t feel bad for this British broad…eat an apple, woman!). Not only does Dwight Howard want out, but they are giving him no reason to stay, and doing so in a losing-to-Boston fashion. And nobody likes Boston teams. Not even Boston likes Boston teams. Oh god, I can hear the mob of chowdah-slinging ruffians coming at me from here!

But really, the Magic got absolutely blown out by the Celts a couple of days ago. Then, yesterday, they built up a HUGE halftime lead. As in insurmountable. As in the only team who could blow that type of lead would be the 2004 Yankees (ZING! And Boston loves me again). Yet the Magic vanished, and they did blow that lead and any hope they had of retaining their big man. I no longer blame Dwight for wanting to bounce. That was simply embarrassing.

They were up 21 at halftime, had a big lead of 27 in the second half…and lost by eight. Twenty five points in the second half for Orlando, including being outscored 27-8 in the fourth quarter. Yikes. Sayonara, D12. I’m not even mad. That’s amazing! It must have been more difficult to screw up so royally than to actually win the game.

In other NBA news, I learned I’m very much in the minority. Not only because I hardly care about or follow professional basketball, but because I thought the ABA uniforms in the Grizzlies vs. Clippers game yesterday were freakin’ SWEET! Seriously, the NFL is going to let Nike’s blind fashionistas design next year’s uni’s when they could go with awesome throwbacks like that? I hope they wear those every night!

Before I move away from basketball altogether, I’ve got a little surprise for you! Remember the big posterization I mentioned from the college game a couple of days ago? Happy learned how to Google! Sit back, relax and enjoy this face mashing. That’s the most offensive thing I’ve seen since war and famine. Okay, I’ll stop stealing movie lines.

Moving on. Let’s talk a little football. First, the boring stuff. The Bucs hired former Rutgers coach Greg Schiano to take over the head coaching gig. Hey, if you think his college record that’s one game over .500 is that impressive, good on ya. Turning around the Rutgers football program is no small task, but an underachieving team full of rich, thuggish prima donnas is a helluva lot bigger problem. If Schiano can get QB Josh Freeman to regain confidence, leadership and the decision-making ability he showed in 2010, there’s a chance. Otherwise it’s going to be early curtains for the coach.

According to ESPN’s Cold Hard Facts segment, they think Rex Ryan is on the hot seat for next season. I’m a bigger fan of Rebecca Black than Rex Ryan, so after seeing that on the tube, this was me in my living room: Wahoo! I’ll bet you 50 pesos that you can’t watch that commercial without cracking a smile. And I’m so, so sorry if you clicked on the Rebecca Black link. I really am. But at least we know what day it is now…ugh.

Before I move on to some tear-jerking football news, can we just settle something? I respect Yahoo! Sports, I really do. I get a lot of breaking news through them and generally enjoy the blogs and articles I find on there. But my God, if they aren’t the worst at mis-titling their stuff. At least once a day I find something like this that was originally titled “Harbaugh Disses Californians.” Um. What?

And most recently the media has been getting its collective rocks off to a Peyton Manning vs. Colts’ owner Jim Irsay spat that isn’t a spat at all. In fact, the media made it news in the first place. It’s extremely frustrating to see a sports media outlet putting misleading titles on stories that aren’t controversial, just so they will get more reads. It’s cheating. It’s like drinking Four Lokos at a party – obviously you’re going to get drunk first and at the cheapest price. Be a man and drink a beer! “Firing back,” my ass.

Now, I don’t have much to say about these next two. Except they make my tummy feel funny in a good way. Not like the first time I saw Hayden Panettiere all grown up. More like that choking-back-tears feeling I get at the end of The Green Mile (spoiler alert). Check out Kyle Williams’ biggest little fan, and why Jason Pierre-Paul’s biggest supporter has never seen him play.

Lastly, for football, JoePa’s service took place yesterday. ESPN covered a bit of it, but a couple of things really struck me. First of all, 12,000 people showed up to support Paterno. Twelve. Thousand. That’s incredible. If I have a quarter of that many people who care about me when I’m gone, I’ll consider my life a fantastic success.

That being said, and I’m sure I’ll take flak for this one, Nike chairman Phil Knight had absolutely no reason to bring up the scandal when he was speaking. It was nice of him to whip the crowd into a frenzy for pro-Joe sentiment, but blaming what happened during the Jerry Sandusky investigation solely on the investigators is pure ignorance. I understand it’s not the time or place to acknowledge that Paterno played a role in everything, but that’s when you just keep your mouth shut.

Alright, we have one more bit of business today. I promised you that hockey actually does something better than every other sport. And now I’m here to deliver. The NHL All-Star Game is perfection. The MLB game is insanely flawed, the NBA version is over-the-top, and the Pro Bowl in the NFL is irrelevant. But in hockey, two captains get to choose teams in a draft format out of the pool of All-Stars. It’s fun for the players and the fans, and actually keeps the viewer interested.

And how awesome is this? Every year, the last guy picked in the “draft,” wins a new car. It’s like Mr. Irrelevant in the NFL draft, except they actually get to play…and then drive away in a sick new ride. Well done, hockey. Well done.

Whew. That was a lot. Hope you enjoyed it. And since it’s Friday, everyone’s getting ready to party this weekend, and I definitely need to redeem myself for linking to Rebecca Black earlier in the blog, here is the Friday Song of the Week. Because who doesn’t like a little fun? See what I did there? Seriously though, this band rocks.

Peace!


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