Posts Tagged ‘Ellen DeGeneres’

Official Announcement: Tebowing and Griffining Are Old News

December 3, 2012

GriffiningI’d like to precede this week’s blog and send out a big, wet, CONGRATULATIONS to the Phasketboot legion. In an unprecedented tournament run that made George Mason look like the London Silly Nannies, Phasketboot took down all competition with ease in my “Weird Sports” bracket, finally defeating Kabaddi for the championship. So, Phasketboot, you are officially the coolest “weird sport” out there. Way to go, social media cronies of Phasketboot-loving suburbia! Unfortunately you win…nothing. But you still have your pride! Now back to your regularly-scheduled blog, already in progress:

Move over Tim Tebow, son of God. Sayonara RGIII (nice game tonight, by the way!). Don’t even try, you plank, you. There’s a new sheriff in town, and it will be the greatest, biggest, best fad in the history of fads ending in -ing.

I need your help to make this thing take off, though. So everyone who reads this (yes, all six of you) start spreading the word. What is the word? The bird is the word, of course! Sorry, that’s one too many Family Guy links for any blog to handle.

Okay, so it’s more specifically a water fowl that poops on everything and quacks real loud. If you don’t know yet, I can’t help you with whatever problem you may have. What I’m talking about…of course…is…drum roll, please…dramatic pause…

…BABYDUCKING!!! (This is where you break out into raucous applause)

I’ll admit right off the bat. This fad is much more dangerous than any of the previous ones. Well, maybe not Tebowing – doing that in a school yard is a recipe for an ass-beating. But anyway, I also must admit that baby ducking is most certainly a stretch for this sports blog.

The only reason it waddles in, is because it takes the physical activity of walking. Which, apparently, is a sport now (on a related note, can we petition for Olympic eligibility if baby ducking goes worldwide?). baby duck line

Alright, enough giggle-goose grab-assing around. Let’s get down to business. Everyone has seen a line of ducklings following their mother. It’s as easy as mimicking that action. Except the mother won’t know you’re there (Yes, thank you, I realize how creepy this sounds. I’m going with it anyway.).

So, you want to learn how to babyduck? No problem:

Step 1: Find an unsuspecting homo sapien on a sidewalk, street, or any other kind of flat, walk-able surface.

Step 2: Catch up to them and walk right behind, syncing your strides with theirs.

Step 3: Put a stupid smile on your face, flap your arms silently and see how long it takes Mama duck to realize he or she is being followed.

It’s really is as simple as that. And it’s freakin’ AWESOME. My girlfriend, sister, mother and I all walked downtown last weekend. I gave my new fad a try on these more-than-suspecting victims. Aside from the fact that I thought my sister might donkey kick me in the groin at one point, it worked like a charm.

Why? Because everyone knows that feeling of being followed. It’s something deep inside your brain that hits the panic switch and just “feels” a presence behind you. So, unless someone is extremely oblivious to life in general, they will notice you babyducking them.

And this is where the danger comes in. Pick your Mama duck wisely, because if you pick that guy who leg presses 750 at your gym, or the old lady who has more pepper spray in her purse than a riot squad, you’re in big trouble.

*This would be a good time to point out that if anyone gets injured or killed in the act of babyducking, I take no responsibility for it. Babyduck at your own peril!*

So pick someone your age, of average build, who seems to have a patient, forgiving demeanor. How you are going to identify these traits in a random stranger from ten yards behind is beyond me. Just babyduck the crap out of people and hope they don’t turn around with a shiv or a hay maker.

baby quacker

Also in the realm of danger, don’t let THIS happen to you. This is especially pertinent for anyone in the Windy City of Chicago (Hm, those little buggers show a lot of grit to dust themselves off and get back in formation! You novice baby duckers can learn from them.).

Although nobody in their right minds will actually send me a video…send me a video. I want to see the best babyducking performances out there. Let’s show Ellen DeGeneres the REAL way to do weird shit behind anonymous people, and get this trend trending.

Oh, and I almost forgot. Big, fat bonus points if your Mama duck catches you in the act, ignores it and continues walking, and you gleefully stay in stride making duck sounds. That is the ultimate babyducking victory and I hope you all get to experience it.

If you are feeling especially brave, you can take this sport to a whole new level and try the advanced tactics of mamaducking, which has never been successfully achieved in the brief history of babyducking.

Naturally, it’s when you go through the same process, but the unsuspecting victim is the baby duck. Trust me, they will figure it out real fast, and it’s never good to have your back turned in that situation. But hey, if you’re planning on making the Babyducking Hall of Fame, you’ll have to be dedicated!

Look for an informational, instructional video on how to properly make a name for yourself in the babyducking world coming on this blog next week.

Until then? Stay quacky, babyduckers, stay quacky.

Yes, Jeremy is aware he’s gone off his rocker. All the more reason to follow him on Twitter @Jamblinman.

My Next Great Project!

March 26, 2012

If you haven’t heard yet, I’ve got my next big project lined up. All that’s missing from getting it not only off the ground, but blasted into the next stratosphere, is a sponsor with financial assistance. I’ve got the itinerary, the plans, the website, the campaign and the lovely travel partner.

But now I play the incredibly stressful, painful waiting game. I have word (okay, words…email, Twitter, voicemail…whatever I can do) out to no less than 30 potential sponsors or partners. Included are BleacherReport.com, my former employer and site I still write for, who has a contract drawn up for us right now, and Clif Bar, who sent me a nice box of free bars for my efforts.

I got a teaser email from Ford (yeah, THAT Ford) today about passing my information along, but we’ll wait and see if anything comes of that. And if you haven’t already seen our video plea to Ellen DeGeneres, check it out. Especially if you’re in need of a good laugh or maybe an ooh or ahh.

Anyway, this project is called Season Ticket: The Ultimate Baseball Project – 30 Parks, 1 Summer. What is it? Glad you asked. Two of America’s craziest baseball fans (we met in the MLB Fan Cave contest) are going to road trip the country for five months and visit each MLB stadium to catch a game at each.

Obviously, this is a dream trip, but it’s all business. We are trying to further our respective careers as serious writers and whip the baseball fan base into a frenzy. We want to discover the best baseball experience in America by rating each team’s city, fans, stadium and game experience, among other factors.

We literally have everything in place except for sponsorship so we can afford gas. I even put word out to every MLB team about potential player interviews, press passes and more. I’m dead serious about this project. So please…spread the word!

Officially introducing: Season Ticket! Visit the site, follow the blog, like the Facebook page, follow us on Twitter @_SeasonTicket_ , @KelseyShea11 or @Jamblinman , and take a peek at our IndieGoGo account! The best thing you can do to help, if so inclined, is to spam the crap out of Ellen’s Facebook pages and her Twitter until she has no choice but to bring us on the show and help us with funding!

Thanks for reading, thanks for any help and support, and thanks for tolerating all my new projects so far in 2012. I promise, there’s just more where that came from! Love, peace and hair grease. Until tomorrow…

And On The Third Day, God Created Soccer

February 1, 2012

If you think watching Wayne Rooney or Lionel Messi weave through foot traffic and tuck a shot into the back of the net is pretty, you haven’t seen THIS. Oh my sweet Lanta. I’m tempted to just stop the blog on that glorious note. Or link every word to that video. But since I know my dedicated readers (that’s you, dummy!) would flip a female dog, I’ll continue on.

Without a doubt, that is the most epic goal I’ve seen in years. Everything came together perfectly to make that happen – planets aligning, gravity, wind chill, the length of the dude’s shorts. Everything, I tell you. Now comment below and tell me which scorpion move was better? That first one, or the original?

One thing is for sure. Blake Griffin’s dunk the other night on Kendrick Perkins was pretty filthy, but not even his best of the year. Everyone needs to calm down. I see LeBron throwing down cooler jams than that on a nightly basis. Call me when Griffin gets glorified for a real dunk. You know, like when his follow through actually allows his hand to touch the rim.

Is anyone else sick of me talking about basketball? Oh, thank God! I was beginning to go crazy. Wait. Sick? Basketball? Crazy? That can only mean one thing! The Bernie Fine scandal is back! But with a hilariously cougariffic twist. Here’s my disclaimer: I, Jamblinman, do not condone any activities in the following link; nor do I support the behavior of either party. Yet, both alleged parties were consenting adults and this is the gospel to MILF-hunters everywhere. If it bothers you, yell at me. Now, check it out. As those crazy kids today say, ROFL LOLOLZ! I’ll give you old folks a minute to figure that one out.

……

Time’s up!

Now for my last bit of business, this is something I rarely do. I will hardly ever be found verbally abusing Aaron Rodgers. He’s an incredible quarterback on a team I passionately hate, but he’s a good guy, a hard-working athlete and one of the most elite passers in the NFL. With all the mushy stuff out of the way, he needs to get a grip and take a chill pill. Just relax, Aaron! We don’t want you killing any politicians, now do we?

But yesterday, Rodgers was quoted as saying the following after the NFC’s Pro Bowl loss:

“I’ll be honest with you,” Rodgers said. “I was a little bit disappointed. I felt like some of the guys on the NFC side embarrassed themselves. […]

“I wanted to know the plays and I wanted to play well, and I wanted to give the fans a show, and make the Green Bay fans who watched and were watching for me and my teammates, I wanted to make them proud of their Pro Bowlers. I was just surprised that some of the guys either didn’t want to play or when they were in there didn’t put any effort into it.”

Umm, okay then, psycho! I understand his point of wanting to show off for the fans. But nobody wants to get hurt, especially in the least interesting all-star game in sports history. As they should, most guys were there to sleep off the aches and pains of a long season and take in the beautiful Hawaiian beaches.

I don’t know what Rodgers’ beef is with the teammates. No fans were watching anyway. I mean, give me a break. I can only think of one thing in the world that would be less interesting to watch than the freakin’ Pro Bowl. Actually, that’s kind of funny – and definitely has more views than last Sunday’s game.

As per normal, I leave you with the Weird Wednesday Web Story. Okay, so OMG BRB TTYL Ellen is on!!!


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