Posts Tagged ‘DUI’

Knowshon Makes a No-Know

February 9, 2012
*Sorry about the spacing. WordPress hates me today*
What a day yesterday. My goodness. This MLB Fan Cave campaigning is killing me, and it’s only the beginning. I can’t believe how much support I’ve gotten from throwing up a couple links and an event on Facebook. My family and friends are simply amazing for extending the invitation to so many hundreds of people.
I’m not going to lie. The contest means a lot to me. There’s no point in being passive about this opportunity; it’s never going to happen again, so I’m going all-out. That being said, I’m trying to focus on writing a normal Jam Shots blog right now. It’s tough, but here goes:
First of all, big props to my buddies at Bleacher Report for starting the newest sports posing trend: Bradying! I love it. It’s multiple times better than Tebowing, because it actually makes fun of someone. And if you’re starting to feel bad for Brady, get over it. He’s still got three rings and a supermodel wife. Yeah, life is rough.
Now sometimes making fun of an athlete goes a little too far. Did this online pawn shop really have to deliver 900 pounds of Butterfinger’s in Boston to “thank” Wes Welker? Was it really worth the money? I’d like to see anyone at that company catch a 60-yard pass.
And sometimes it is good to give Tom Brady some grief after all. The magician who somehow scored 50 large by betting the first score of the Super Bowl would be a Giants safety is going to donate all post-tax earnings to charity. Including $5,000 to one of Brady’s choice. Beautiful in so many ways.
Knowshon Moreno is, plain and simply, an idiot. I honestly forgot he was in the NFL this year, until he got a DUI the other day. He was pulled over in a car with a personalized license plate that read SAUCED. Seriously. He might as well have been playing flip cup on the hood of his car in the Highway Patrol parking lot. I’m just shocked at the stupidity.
Damn it, I thought I promised to stop talking about football. Ugh. These post-season shenanigans are just too good to pass up! If Brady or Welker think they have it bad, I bet they’ve never had to try to ski without legs. Check this guy out. What an awesome athlete. Completely fearless, and worthy of everyone’s respect, to say the least.
One last thing before I close out here. Do you remember the 7-foot-5 high schooler with the unpronounceable name who is running kids up and down the court in Southern California? He’s got a new highlight tape and it’s just unfair. I don’t know what else to say. Just watch.
Wednesday is for weird web stories. And I’ve given you some freaky deaky stuff over the past couple weeks. But this one might take the cake for strangeness. This, folks, is why I haven’t golfed in over eight years. That sport is DANGEROUS.
Thanks for reading, and please…KEEP VOTING FOR ME!!!!!!!!!! Peace, love and hair grease.
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Is Driving a Zamboni Even Possible When You’re Sober?

February 3, 2012

Oopsies…

There’s going to be so much college football recruiting news in today’s blog, you’re going to be tackling red shirt walk-ons in your sleep. We’ve got a Jamarcus Russell-sized QB commit, one who loves fast food, and one who could allegedly be the butt of “therapist” (insert a space in the appropriate place and figure it out) jokes when it’s socially acceptable in a few years.

Let’s talk about Fatty McFattysons first. And please don’t tell him I said that, cause the dude is SCARY. I don’t know how effective a passer he’ll be in college, as he’s already rated as a “worse passer” than Russell was at this point in the recruiting process. But one thing is for sure. If he gets past the D-line when he’s scrambling, the only person with a prayer to bring him down is the mascot in a celebratory jump hug. Here’s to hoping he turns out more positively than Russell did.

Now this is just hilarious. I remember the day I had to choose which college I was going to attend. Not because I was signing a letter of intent to smash opposing players in the mouth, but because my mom called me at lunch in high school and told me I had to decide by the end of the day. But I absolutely did not choose Washington State over San Diego State because there were two McDonald’s in Pullman, WA. Give me a break, kid.

This one is not as funny. It’s scary, sad and troubling. If it’s true, of course. When it comes to the combination of sports and crime, though, it can be pretty gut-busting. For example, how does one get a DUI? If you drink, don’t drive. Duh. But, if you get a DUI driving a Zamboni on the ice rink?! That’s just silly. And you deserve a high five before getting locked up.

Hey, did you all hear? Tom Brady is now “The Most Hated Man in Buffalo!” Do you know why? He said the hotels in Buffalo weren’t that great. Jesus, media members. Chill the hell out. People in the city named after a stinky, dirty, ugly animal are offended that somebody was unhappy with the mints on their hotel pillows. Who gives a buffalo dropping?

The fact that this story is news pisses me off. And the fact that Buffolians are pissed off about it makes me want to punch a puppy. An ugly one though. Cute ones are unpunchable. This whole Brady-hatred-for-innocent-statement saga makes no sense. It’s not newsworthy. If he had pulled something like this, I’d understand a little anger.

Here’s some anger for you. If I could do this even from a distance; from a remote island to a disappearing ESPN cruise ship sailing into the sunset, I’d die happy. Then I’d draw “Screw YOU Skip!” in the sand and pee all over it. Props to you, Mr. Smith. And am I ever jealous.

I hate to end this blog on a sad note, but I have no choice. Josh Hamilton is one of the best sports stories in the world. He’s like Miracle combined with the Natural combined with Warrior, all on steroids. Oh, shit. Not on steroids. That joke definitely doesn’t work when referring to baseball. Comic relief aside, reports have surfaced that Hamilton was spotted drinking in a bar in Dallas. I really, really hope that these aren’t true. I’m a big Hamilton fan. And relapse is okay when you’re Jamblinman and you’re drinking the daily sports scoop. But when you were suspended for multiple years for drug and alcohol abuse, relapse is not ideal.

What can I do now, but leave you with an awesome song to jam to while you read the rest of my fabulous blogs? By the way, Buffalo. Everyone hates you. How appropriate, given my Friday Song of the Week. I feel like an actual band made up entirely of horses would sound a hell of a lot worse. Alright, go away…time for a beer. Too soon?


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