Posts Tagged ‘Barack Obama’

Not Your Ordinary Sports Blog

February 8, 2012

Today, we are not focusing on my addiction. We are focusing on the only more important thing in the world than sports: Me! Obviously. But seriously, I’m on my knees here. Pleading, begging, shining your shoes; whatever it takes. All I’m asking. Is for a little respect…

Just a little bit.

Or maybe just your vote. This is a campaign of sorts, (a JAMpaign, perhaps?) but it’s not nearly as expensive for me as President Obama’s re-election run will be. Not nearly as pointless as anyone not named Barack’s attempt will be. And certainly not as idiotic as Roseanne Barr’s.

But it’s absolutely more important. To me. And if you love me, which you do, it’s important for you as well. I’ve been selected as one of the 50 finalists for the MLB Fan Cave competition. That means I’m better than approximately 9,950 other baseball nerds at making videos and being pretty.

The next step is to be better than 9,970 other hopefuls. For the mathematically challenged, that means we are being sliced from 50 to 30. Over the next two weeks, I have to garner enough votes on MLBFanCave.com to make the final roster of 30 candidates, who are flown to Arizona for the next step; spending a week at Spring Training.

**UPDATE: I stand corrected, for once. I was picked out of a pool of over 22,000 applicants!**

That’s where YOU come in. Please find my doofy video, (don’t watch it unless you want to laugh at me and make me cry) and vote. I’ve linked it in this blog multiple times. I’m dropping hints as big as New York City. Speaking of the Big Apple, if I continue to progress through this competition, MLB Network will put me up in the city and force me into hard labor. The final job? Watching every single one of the 2,000-plus baseball games from March through November and making regular appearances on the network interviewing players.

And just for the record, among the names of people confirmed to visit the MLB Fan Cave in 2012 are David Ortiz, Brandon Phillips, C.C. Sabathia and…wait for it. Matt mother-freakin’ Kemp. My baseballs are dropping just thinking about meeting those guys.

I know this seems like a plea for sending me on an eight-month vacation. But I promise, it’s more like rehab. And I know you all enjoy my blog way too much for me to go get my problem fixed. Still, this is an absolute dream job. I’ve loved baseball since the doctors were wiping bodily fluids off my freshly-born face. Wow, sorry about that…

And it could really take me places. I can’t ask for a better opportunity. All I need are your votes. Just a click to the link, a scroll to the video, and one more click for your favorite jambler’s video. I guess this is the moment I reveal my name, so you can accurately click away. I go by Jamblinman, but the parents call me “Jeremy” for some reason. My surname is “Dorn.” That’s about as vague as it will get. But if you didn’t put two and two together, you have more problems than you know.

So please. Go to MLBFanCave.com and find that Jeremy Dorn guy, watch his video if you are a torturous, horrible person, but most importantly, VOTE! Everyone who votes for me gets 50 bucksan open-mouthed kiss…a high five. Yes, hand-to-hand contact. Get excited.

Vote for me. Yes we can!

“I’d Like to Thank the Good Lord that I’m a Yankee”

January 24, 2012

What’s up, dudes and dudettes? I’ve got some cool stuff to chat about today. But before we go anywhere – further proof that T-Sizzle from Ball So Hard U is freakin’ awesome. Props to the writer of that blurb, too. Screw you, Skip.

**

Let’s start in Indy. No, not the Super Bowl – everyone West of Iceland is already sick of that coverage. Including certain players on the Ravens. The “UnSuper Bowl?” Really, dude?

Anyway, I was talking more about Peyton Manning here. The guy who basically owns the city of Indianapolis. All morning, SportsCenter has had a fire in its loins about comments he made concerning the atmosphere around Lucas Oil Stadium right now. If we’re being real, the Colts better be sure his neck is really screwed, because this season proved that Peyton is the best player in the NFL. He is worth at least ten wins a season. Logically, he should be a front runner for MVP. And before you call me crazy, try to give me another reason that virtually the same team from 2010 that made the playoffs, went 2-14 with Curtis Painter and Kerry Collins under center.

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Now here’s something you won’t see from me every day. Two, count ’em, TWO hockey stories in one entry! First off, the Bruins’ star goalie Tim Thomas was not in attendance at the White House, when President Barack Obama honored the team for their Stanley Cup title last year. To say the least, Thomas was not polite with his reasoning:

I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People. This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government. Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL. This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT

Um. What? Not polite, sure. Definitely not specific either. I understand what he’s saying here. But that is by far the most vague, formulated excuse I’ve ever seen. A lot of people feel that way, and trust me, they will tell you why. In layman’s terms, Thomas is saying “I won’t come to the White House because the government is a doo-doo head!”

That’s all fine and good if you’re anti-government. And I know as a recognizable figure in the very, very popular sport of hockey (Get it? It’s not popular.), he needs to be careful with how deeply he allows his publicist to delve into the topic of politics publicly. But there are two huge flaws. Thomas claims that it’s not a matter of party because both are at fault. So certainly, he can’t blame Obama solely for the state of our government. But still he won’t go shake the leader of our country’s hand? Give me a break. At least this doesn’t make him look like an awful, selfish teammate or anything.

And secondly, he gives no real reason except general distaste for the state of affairs in the United States. How have they grown out of control, Tim? Give us something! That’s like me saying, “Sorry, Mom. I can’t go to Great Granny’s brunch because she smells weird. Supporting her is against my morals. This is a protest.” Yeah, exactly like that.

I think there’s only one true explanation for Thomas’ absence. It all adds up – he plays hockey, therefore he’s at least 25 percent Canadian. He hates the U.S. government. He has a beard. GASP! Tim Thomas must be voting for the Canada Party! Traitor.

Okay, I promised you two hockey stories. I didn’t forget. But the only thing I have to say about this second one, is one of John Kerry’s friends finally stepped up for the good of humanity and did something all of us have wanted to do but didn’t have the balls or the bail money to actually pull off. Check this out. Damn, I wish I was cool enough to kick a politician’s ass!

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We have a retirement to discuss. It’s the most consistently boring Yankee of all time and the subject of undoubtedly the worst “This is Sportscenter” commercial ever made. The Boss of Barehand. I’m all out of nicknames. It’s Jorge Posada. He quoted Joe DiMaggio in his press conference today, saying he’d like to thank the good Lord that he’s a Yankee. I don’t blame him. He must be so damn rich!

But really, Posada was a great player in his time. He retires with four rings and a slew of all-star appearances. And according to ESPN’s Pointless Statistic Department, he is retiring with the fifth-highest OPS (on-base plus slugging percentage) ever for a catcher. Well, that clinches it! The guy is a Hall of Famer!

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I’ve got one more story for you today. And it’s back to football. It’s terrible, terrible news. Nike is going to take over the apparel business from Reebok for NFL uniforms, starting next season. You know what this means, right? All your favorite players and teams will be decked out in hideous versions of the Oregon Ducks’ jerseys. And they will each have 173 different combinations of helmet and jersey. And they will all be stupid and ugly.

But seriously, save for one or two random gold mines, has Nike ever produced a good-looking college football or basketball jersey? Yeah, yeah they are all technologically-advanced or whatever. But since when do improvements in comfort require the Phillie Phanatic to have explosive diarrhea all over a shirt that was bedazzled by Perez Hilton?

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Thanks for reading. Until tomorrow, enjoy the Tuesday Tweet of the Day:

https://twitter.com/#!/atmosphere/status/161864790145384448

Creepy.


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