Posts Tagged ‘Aldon Smith’

The Patriots Are Assholes

February 5, 2012

And I don’t mean that in an I’m-jealous-they-always-win kind of way. I mean that in a how-can-you-cut-a-dude-the-night-before-the-Super-Bowl kind of way? Let alone the one guy who got a Patriots logo shaved into the back of his flat top?! It’s heartless, it’s cruel, and it’s football. It’s the third time Tiquan Underwood has been cut this season.

And for anyone who thinks it’s no big deal because he’s still getting paid and will still get a ring if the Pats pull off the win…well you’ve obviously never played sports. Ninety nine percent of athletes would sacrifice the hardware and the paycheck to actually get to participate in their respective championship game. And I’m sure Underwood is no different; on the surface he may play it cool, but I promise on the inside he’s all like THIS.

We’ve got a snub alert! The major NFL awards were announced yesterday. My balanced, unbiased ballot looked like this:

Coach of the Year – Jim Harbaugh, San Francisco 49ers

MVP – Patrick Willis, San Francisco 49ers

Offensive Rookie of the Year – Kendall Hunter, San Francisco 49ers

Defensive Rookie of the Year – Aldon Smith, San Francisco 49ers

Offensive Player of the Year – Vernon Davis, San Francisco 49ers

Defensive Player of the Year – Justin Smith, San Francisco 49ers

Comeback Player of the Year – Alex Smith, San Francisco 49ers

Walter Payton Man of the Year – NaVorro Bowman, San Francisco 49ers (I don’t know why, I just wanted to give him an award)

All of the above that are in bold were picks I got right. As you can see, the NFL set a record with an 87.5% snub percentage in one season. Seven of the eight obvious choices were wrongly-awarded, denying the great players who truly deserved them. Harbaugh was a shoo-in, that was my easy choice.

But if you actually watched football this year, you’d have to agree that Willis was more deserving of MVP than Aaron Rodgers, Hunter should have unseated Cam Newton, Aldon Smith should have dominated Von Miller, Vernon should have beaten Drew Brees, Justin Smith should have easily won over Terrell Suggs, and Alex Smith should have out-comebacked Matthew Stafford. But it’s okay. I’m used to the 49ers getting snubbed by the East Coast bias.

I’m thinking if I ever meet someone who votes for those idiotic awards, this is how I’ll greet him or her. DAMN. Nice hit. A slight exaggeration on the announcer’s part though. I mean, 25 feet? Really? C’mon dude-iffer!

This is Sunday. Which means it’s the Super Bowl. Which means who gives a shit? I’ve never been this apathetic about the big game. But, I’ll still watch it so that I can write some whiny, annoying blog tomorrow about how lame the re-match was. Aren’t you excited?!

I leave you with some more football. In the Sunday Clip of the Week. It’s long, but if you appreciate good defense, you’ll love this kid’s tape. Check. It. Out.

Time to go destroy some Raider fans at beer pong.

While We’re Young, Wild and Free

February 2, 2012

Well, we can officially put the “Blake Griffin is a God” talk to rest. As I pointed out yesterday, his dunk over Kendrick Perkins was significantly overrated and not even close to one of his ten personal best. Then, some doopster (dude hoopster) laid this beauty down in a college game. And suddenly, rightfully, Griffin is old news.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you finish a dunk.

I’m sure by now you’ve all seen some footage of the Egyptian stampede that took place after a soccer match yesterday. The death toll right now is at 74. I’m sure most people here don’t care because 1) it’s soccer, 2) it’s Egypt, but everyone needs to take notice. The United States essentially explodes from within when a streaker so much as tweets that he or she will storm the Phillies’ outfield.

Real fan violence takes place overseas, where soccer is king and passion falls like rain in Seattle (that’s a LOT, if you’ve never been). Take that into account next time you complain about that meany pants with the spiky face at the Raiders game yelled you suck to your family at the game. And if you go to a soccer game abroad, please be careful.

I finally have some baseball news! First, this. Because it’s the Yankees and they get too much pub to begin with, I’ll just hand you the link and tell you to read the first line and sit back in shock. And then you can think about it and realize how much sense Brian Cashman’s assertion makes. That’s all.

But even cooler, we have a Nyjer Morgan sighting! If you don’t like Nyjer, you must be either a commie or a Cardinals fan. But T-Plush is as bad ass a ballplayer as you’ll ever see. He’s the T.O. of baseball, minus the baby mama drama. So get a load of this guy taking on another sport! I love it.

Lastly, I have some punishment to dole out. Let me explain first. I have a raging bromance with Aldon Smith. He single-handedly gave me hope that the 49ers’ pass rush has a prayer in the next few years of returning to form. By the way, what’s the female version of bromance? I suggested homance and heavy flowmance, but my female friends didn’t take kindly to it. If you’re willing to risk public verbal flogging, comment below and tell me what the answer to that timeless question is.

Oh, right. Back to Aldon. He got a DUI the other day. The kid is barely old enough to drink. And as one of his fans, I wish I could just tell him this and let him walk. But he needs to be docked some serious pay by the NFL and a timeout from Coach Harbaugh. If he can make Alex Smith a respectable NFL quarterback, I’m sure he can help crank a few common sense life lessons through the younger Smith’s dense skull.

And it wouldn’t be Thursday without my P.T.Z.D.I.T.H.W.A! (Same title, but shorter. Whatever, just look.)


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