Official Announcement: Tebowing and Griffining Are Old News

GriffiningI’d like to precede this week’s blog and send out a big, wet, CONGRATULATIONS to the Phasketboot legion. In an unprecedented tournament run that made George Mason look like the London Silly Nannies, Phasketboot took down all competition with ease in my “Weird Sports” bracket, finally defeating Kabaddi for the championship. So, Phasketboot, you are officially the coolest “weird sport” out there. Way to go, social media cronies of Phasketboot-loving suburbia! Unfortunately you win…nothing. But you still have your pride! Now back to your regularly-scheduled blog, already in progress:

Move over Tim Tebow, son of God. Sayonara RGIII (nice game tonight, by the way!). Don’t even try, you plank, you. There’s a new sheriff in town, and it will be the greatest, biggest, best fad in the history of fads ending in -ing.

I need your help to make this thing take off, though. So everyone who reads this (yes, all six of you) start spreading the word. What is the word? The bird is the word, of course! Sorry, that’s one too many Family Guy links for any blog to handle.

Okay, so it’s more specifically a water fowl that poops on everything and quacks real loud. If you don’t know yet, I can’t help you with whatever problem you may have. What I’m talking about…of course…is…drum roll, please…dramatic pause…

…BABYDUCKING!!! (This is where you break out into raucous applause)

I’ll admit right off the bat. This fad is much more dangerous than any of the previous ones. Well, maybe not Tebowing – doing that in a school yard is a recipe for an ass-beating. But anyway, I also must admit that baby ducking is most certainly a stretch for this sports blog.

The only reason it waddles in, is because it takes the physical activity of walking. Which, apparently, is a sport now (on a related note, can we petition for Olympic eligibility if baby ducking goes worldwide?). baby duck line

Alright, enough giggle-goose grab-assing around. Let’s get down to business. Everyone has seen a line of ducklings following their mother. It’s as easy as mimicking that action. Except the mother won’t know you’re there (Yes, thank you, I realize how creepy this sounds. I’m going with it anyway.).

So, you want to learn how to babyduck? No problem:

Step 1: Find an unsuspecting homo sapien on a sidewalk, street, or any other kind of flat, walk-able surface.

Step 2: Catch up to them and walk right behind, syncing your strides with theirs.

Step 3: Put a stupid smile on your face, flap your arms silently and see how long it takes Mama duck to realize he or she is being followed.

It’s really is as simple as that. And it’s freakin’ AWESOME. My girlfriend, sister, mother and I all walked downtown last weekend. I gave my new fad a try on these more-than-suspecting victims. Aside from the fact that I thought my sister might donkey kick me in the groin at one point, it worked like a charm.

Why? Because everyone knows that feeling of being followed. It’s something deep inside your brain that hits the panic switch and just “feels” a presence behind you. So, unless someone is extremely oblivious to life in general, they will notice you babyducking them.

And this is where the danger comes in. Pick your Mama duck wisely, because if you pick that guy who leg presses 750 at your gym, or the old lady who has more pepper spray in her purse than a riot squad, you’re in big trouble.

*This would be a good time to point out that if anyone gets injured or killed in the act of babyducking, I take no responsibility for it. Babyduck at your own peril!*

So pick someone your age, of average build, who seems to have a patient, forgiving demeanor. How you are going to identify these traits in a random stranger from ten yards behind is beyond me. Just babyduck the crap out of people and hope they don’t turn around with a shiv or a hay maker.

baby quacker

Also in the realm of danger, don’t let THIS happen to you. This is especially pertinent for anyone in the Windy City of Chicago (Hm, those little buggers show a lot of grit to dust themselves off and get back in formation! You novice baby duckers can learn from them.).

Although nobody in their right minds will actually send me a video…send me a video. I want to see the best babyducking performances out there. Let’s show Ellen DeGeneres the REAL way to do weird shit behind anonymous people, and get this trend trending.

Oh, and I almost forgot. Big, fat bonus points if your Mama duck catches you in the act, ignores it and continues walking, and you gleefully stay in stride making duck sounds. That is the ultimate babyducking victory and I hope you all get to experience it.

If you are feeling especially brave, you can take this sport to a whole new level and try the advanced tactics of mamaducking, which has never been successfully achieved in the brief history of babyducking.

Naturally, it’s when you go through the same process, but the unsuspecting victim is the baby duck. Trust me, they will figure it out real fast, and it’s never good to have your back turned in that situation. But hey, if you’re planning on making the Babyducking Hall of Fame, you’ll have to be dedicated!

Look for an informational, instructional video on how to properly make a name for yourself in the babyducking world coming on this blog next week.

Until then? Stay quacky, babyduckers, stay quacky.

Yes, Jeremy is aware he’s gone off his rocker. All the more reason to follow him on Twitter @Jamblinman.

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