Fight Night: Who Would Win?

Any boxing fans who saw that title are probably severely disappointed. I’m not talking about boxing, or MMA, or even a good old-fashioned “meet me in the parking lot after class, we’re throwing down” fight.

I’m taking inspiration from Ubaldo Jimenez beaning Troy Tulowitzki in the Indians-Rockies Spring Training game over the weekend. Jimenez, the pitcher formerly known as GOOD, who was traded to the Indians from the Rockies last season, beaned his former teammate in the elbow in what looked to be an incredibly intentional move.

Words were exchanged, steps were taken, benches were cleared…and is typical in baseball, nothing happened. So that leaves my imagination to wander: who would have won if the scuffle had turned into a full-on boxing match?

Forget the surrounding drama, I’m focusing on one thing and one thing only. Which gigantic athlete involved here would have whooped the other’s ass into submission?

Would Ubaldo pull a Nolan Ryan and give Troy the old Robin Ventura headlock-and-pound? Maybe Tulo would have charged and given a classic Andre Johnson hay maker to the head of Jimenez, a la Cortland Finnegan!

Either way, it would have been fun to watch. Let’s check out the tale of the tape before making a final decision:

In the purple corner, from Santa Clara, CA, fighting out of Denver, CO…he stands 6’3″ and weights 215 pounds, the INSANE INFIELDERRRRR…TROYYYYY TULOOOOOWITZKI!

And in the red corner, from Nagua in the Dominican Republic, fighting out of Cleveland, OH…standing 6’5″ and weighing in at 210 pounds, the PITCHER OF PAIN….UUUUUUUUBALDOOOOO JIMENEZ!

Now that we’ve gotten through that nonsense, let’s get to the decision. They are similar in size, but a couple differences stand out. First, Ubaldo probably has the reach by a few inches, as he’s exceptionally tall and lanky. That being said, Tulo would be stronger (tell one of those baseballs he’s smacked 450 feet that he’s a pansy…) and might KO Jimenez with the right connection.

Also, Tulo seems to be a more confident, composed person in general. He should be, since he’s one of the bright young MLB stars today. Then again, Jimenez has a chip on his shoulder, especially when it comes to the Colorado Rockies.

I can only imagine though, that Jimenez is more of a fighter than Tulo. I mean, Troy is from the suburbs of California. It would be an entertaining fight to say the least, but I think Jimenez knocks Tulo out in the third round. Given Tulowitzki’s injury history, it probably won’t take much.

Luckily, next time the two face off on the baseball field, the results would be much different. Considering Tulowtizki’s immense talent and Jimenez’s declining pitching skills, chances are Tulo would take him deep. And definitely take his sweet time rounding those bases.

Thanks for indulging in my little fantasy. Until tomorrow…I’ll be at the A’s vs. Giants game. YAY BASEBALL!

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