And the Freak Gets Freakier

Let’s get this out of the way. Congrats, dude. Now hopefully we are done talking football for quite some time. The most mundane ending to a season in the history of the world has occurred, and what a shame if 2012 is actually the last year we all exist. The 49ers are so damn close to the Promised Land!

Anyway, back to the greatest sport in the world, since that’s all anyone really cares about in the sports world between February and October. I’ve got a strange inkling that Tim Lincecum is either awkwardly obese under an extra baggy jersey or might possibly be near death from lack of consumption.

I know those are two extremes, but according to reports, the Freak shed 22 pounds this offseason. Even more troubling, he claims to have been near 200 last season. Um. No chance. WHERE DID THOSE POUNDS DROP FROM? His hair? Among other nicknames, he’s been hailed as “Tiny Tim” for a reason. He’s not a big guy, but he brings a big fastball and some filthy off-speed stuff. He’s incredibly skinny, like the gawky skater kid who always wore a black hoodie in high school and never had his headphones actually off his ears, regardless of whether or not music was playing.

But I guess Lincecum had poundage to lose. And he did, by cutting out McDonald’s (is that even a sacrifice unless you’re painfully hungover?) completely and In-N-Out partially. I can understand losing Mickey D’s, but he’s insane to drop In-N-Out. That is the best, creamy goodness-in-burger ever made. Props to Timmy for making it happen, and time will tell if he will benefit from being that skinny. I know it gets windy by the Bay, so he might need some heavy cleats to keep him on the actual field when he’s pitching.

And hundreds of years later, white people decided to finally do the Native Americans a solid. I’m not sure if this quite makes up for everything, but let’s just let bygones be bygones and rip the unbelievably racist, ghastly savage patches off the Atlanta Braves’ new weekend alternate uniforms.

That is one of the ugliest logos I’ve seen in sports…ever. And on top of that, it’s blatantly offensive. Major League Baseball and the Braves made a very keen decision. For once. Honestly, I am one to side with Native Americans on issues over sports teams using likenesses as logos and mascots and what not, but usually I’m soft on it overall. I don’t think the Indians’ Chief Wahoo is troubling (in fact, he looks quite happy), but that creepy one on the Braves’ uni definitely had to go.

I leave you with a stern message today, kids. Don’t text and drive. Yeah, he wasn’t even close to making that turn. Oops, sorry about your car, Dad.

And of course, drum roll please…the Tuesday Tweet of the Day! Yayyyy! Any Kobe doubters still out there? Bueller? Bueller? Didn’t think so.

I’m gonna go take some cuts in the cage. I’m using Tim Lincecum as my bat. Hah, get it? Okay bye.

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