Skip Schumaker Is Less Than Or Equal To…

…A squirrel? Check out his baseball card for 2012. Honestly, the rally squirrel is definitely more recognizable than Skip, but that’s still kind of a slap in the face. Thanks a lot, Topps.

My real story today is about the most infuriating, terrifying cheerleader of all time. Which picture is less attractive? Hers, or the Georgia mascot’s? D’awwww who’s a good boy who’s a good boy?? Ah. Sorry. Puppies just kill me. Okay, fine. This isn’t my real story. But I had to squeeze it into the blog somehow.

Before I get to the real meat of the pork belly, let me tell you a couple of things. A couple of things that are in the news that me, you, your mother, her mother, your mother’s mother’s lover and Philip Rivers is sick and f*&!$in’ tired of hearing about. By the way, that picture of Rivers isn’t him going crazy from this mundane, repetitive news, although it fits perfectly with my theme here. Sadly, that’s just what he looks like. Yikes.

This. This. That. And This. Whoa, sorry. I don’t know how that last link got in there. I told you I had a crazy birthday weekend…Oh and did y’all hear?? Dwight wants to go to the Bulls now! The only things I want to end more than Dwight Howard trade rumors are high gas prices and that annoying squeak the leg of my desk makes when as much as a hair lands nearby.

Snap back to reality, whoop there goes gravity. Here’s what I really want to whine about. I’m a LeBron James fan. “The Decision,” was not his decision, and you haters will never make half as much in your lifetime for charity as LeBreezy made in one hour of self-indulgent TV time. So shut your yappers.

I bring this up because of him riding his bike to the Heat game yesterday, and how people were blowing up saying he was doing it to show off and get attention. Now the dude can’t even do something healthy and refreshing without being hated on. What’s next, King James breathes too much of us poor peoples’ oxygen? If you are one of these haters (which you are), please kindly shove your head up this guy’s sweaty bunghole.

Told ya I like LeBron. Defend him ’till I die! And here’s one more thing I missed. By like two weeks. That’s embarrassing. But even though the playoff will never happen because that would cost those precious execs their lunch money, I like that it’s being publicly acknowledged by important peeps. It gives me hope.

This guy, though? He’s got no hope. Diop missed that shot worse than this octo-baby misses a typical bone structure.  One last thing before I let you go. Congratulations to my good friend Lauren’s father, Scott Pruett, whose team placed sixth at the Daytona 24 over the weekend. That’s a lot of turning left in sweet-ass cars! Obligatory weekly racing reference, complete.

I leave you with volume two of the Tuesday Tweet of the Day. Fillmoe!

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