Panda Express: Perfectly Acceptable Road Trip Cuisine

Help. I can’t move my legs. I guess that’s what a day of snowboarding will do to ya. I’m on my iPad again, so you’re going to have to cut me some slack. Plus I’m in great danger of passing out at any minute from sheer exhaustion. And copious amounts of orange chicken MSG. Damn you, Panda.

By the way, this random thought just popped into my head and it’s too strange to not pose to you – if Pablo Sandoval, the Kung Fu Panda, eats at Panda Express, is it cannibalism?

Anyway, it may be way too early on in the Jam Shots legacy to jump into the realm of extreme sports, but I had a good day on the slopes so I’m going to anyway. Plus I thrive on annoying people, even at the risk of losing reads. So, onward!

Is there any group of athletes who are less glamorized for their physical capabilities than extreme athletes? I mean, I’ve been snowboarding for over a decade now and I can’t even imagine pulling off the things professional riders do. Have you seen Shaun White on the half pipe at the X-Games? Or how incredibly fast slalom skiers tear through those little flags?

And not to mention how often they risk life and limb for the sports they love (R.I.P. Sarah Burke). I can only imagine what bobsledders, BMX bikers and others face on a daily basis.

Besides, if you don’t think Cool Runnings is one of the greatest movies of all time…then get the hell out of my blog.

This is my personal list of the five most difficult things to do in sports:

1. Hit a baseball. Seriously. Have you tried it? Don’t even get me started on curve balls.

2. Stop a penalty kick. That’s soccer, folks. You know, that sport America is constantly failing at miserably?

3. Anything extreme. Whether that be a 360 on skis or a grind on a skateboard. It’s just superhuman.

4. Stop a hockey puck. I have no experience with it but I imagine it would be similar to catching a bullet between your chopstick-wielding fingers while blindfolded. On ice.

5. Kick a game-winning field goal. No, this isn’t a pity party for Billy Cundiff. But that’s a lot of terrifying men clawing and foaming at the mouth to get to your skinny little leg.

Comment below and tell me why my list is perfect. Or if you must be a selfish punk, suggest your own ideas.

Since news is slow, I will give you the answers-written-on-the-hand version of what’s gone down over the last 24 hours in the sports world.

The Colts hired Ravens defensive coordinator Chuck Pagano yesterday to shovel the shit that Indy became. That’s weird, zoo-related psychobabble for “new head coach” by the way. And in more interesting news, I think there’s some lint in my belly button. I should shower. But really, Pagano is a great choice…assuming Ed Reed, Haloti Ngata and the entire line backing corps is coming with.

And the rest of my addiction was fed by flipping between the epic upset that was Oklahoma State over Missouri and the snoozefest of Louisville over Villanova. I only watched the latter because I enjoy how many times they have to call out the name of Louisville’s home court (The KFC Yum! Center. I know. It’s awesome). And forget the monstrous upset in the first game – I have a bone to pick with the refs.

Some player with mad hops on Okie State threw down one of the sickest dunks I’ve seen in years. And immediately got ejected on his second technical for ‘taunting’ because he stared down the posterized player on Mizzou. Couldn’t those refs tell he was simply concerned? He was making sure the dude who got a mouthful of dunktacular balls didn’t need facial reconstructive surgery. I swear, rules these days…

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Until tomorrow, here is my Thursday Proof That Zooey Deschanel Is The Hottest Woman Alive (Okay, I know the title needs work and implies that there may be more beautiful women who are not alive…but it’s going to be a Jam Shots fixture on Thursdays so quit your whining and embrace it!).

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One Response to “Panda Express: Perfectly Acceptable Road Trip Cuisine”

  1. Linda Says:

    entertaining – love your style!

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