A Contract Fit for a Prince

Hah! Get it? My title is clever. First of all, let me apologize. This post is going to be a little shorter than usual. See, I’m channeling my inner Warren Miller (R.I.P. Big Guy) and hitting up some fresh pow pow in Tahoe the next two days. Gnarly shred time, bruh!

Also, I may or may not have forgotten my laptop charger. Wich is bad because my computer is older than Newt Gingrich’s first butt lift (one point for unnecessary, abstract political attacks!). The laptop doesn’t hold a charge unless tethered to an outlet.

So I’m typing on my iPad. Which is awesome. Actually, the fact that I have one and you don’t makes me awesome. But awesome only goes so far when I have to type like a middle schooler with just pointer fingers for an entire article. Impressed? Me too.

Now that I’ve sufficiently bored you with my blabber, let’s get to the real issue at hand. Just when we had forgotten Prince Fielder existed, he up and signs a 20-year, $400 million contract in Detroit. Okay, the numbers are slightly less than that but they still are gargantuan.

What does this mean for baseball? Well, for one, the American League absolutely owns life. Their top six teams (Angels, Rangers, Tigers, Red Sox, Yankees and Rays) are so much better than anything the National League has to offer it’s just comical. Secondly, how is a 3-4 combo of Fielder and Miguel Cabrera even fair? Opposing pitchers are going to start demanding an adult diaper clause be added to future contracts.

Well, at least it will be a hell of a pennant race in 2012. Hopefully there will be a trail of dollar bills in the wreckage for those less fortunate teams to scrounge after.

And what does Fielder’s contract mean for you and me? Well, your life is still boring and meaningless, I still can’t hit a ball over 300 feet, let alone make it look cool, and we are now left to wonder if Prince is officially the richest man in Michigan. But at least I have an iPad.

I love me some baseball news so let’s keep it coming. I’m looking at you, Yeonis Cespedes! Until tomorrow, enjoy the Weird Wednesday Web Story.

Seriously? The most famous school in that entire state is the Cougars. And as a proud alum of another school with that mascot, I’m offended. At least more offended than any drunk, horny, college-frat-star-chasing soccer mom ever will be. At the very least, go with the Mountain Lions. Same shit, different name. It would still rip your freakin’ head off.

And with that image, I bid you adieu.

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